tramps and zombies

You may or may not already be aware, but the zombie apocalypse is finally upon us. This is no "sign of the devil" because if we learned anything from The Usual Suspects, it's that the devil doesn't exist, or something like that. I say that the zombies are finally upon us because I've been training for years for this "outbreak" to rear its "ugly" head. However, those of you savvy enough to have done some research on the topic ought to be already fully prepared. Today I'm just going to give the uninitiated a bit of a primer into "surviving" the "zombie outbreak".

thursday morning, trolling the void.

"trolling the void v. attempting to piece together a blackout by posing seemingly casual questions to friends who were possibly more cognizant at the time." ~Frank Kelly Rich

While trolling the trends this morning I discovered a few things:

• There's a woman named "Bethenny". 
• "Skinnygirl Cocktails" are low calorie alternatives marketed simply for the ladies.
• "Reality Television" is a huge and lumbering cash cow with unlimited udders to suck on.

Now I will review what this means to "us":

publicly shaming a child

Dog the Bounty Hunter was cancelled, finally. He was one "collar" away from getting killed anyways and now he can retire from that dangerous bounty hunting game and re-evaluate his life. This is a good thing for America and reality television, specifically. No longer are the bail jumpers of our country going to fear the mullet haired fellow tailing them and no longer will I fear flipping the station to A&E. 

Reality television is something that's caught on by storm. Writer's strike? Writing malaise? Impending idiocracy? These are all possible reasons that reality television is so endemic in our culture but they don't get to the heart of the matter. You see, deep down, every one of you lousy people out there love to watch "the fall". You want to see triumph and success, followed by failure. Rinse, repeat. It's heart warming to see a "real" story play out by "real" people, but it's downright television gold to have a trainwreck in front of a camera that's just waiting to film what happens.

disaster in texas?

"A gentleman is one who never hurt's anyone's feelings unintentionally." ~Oscar Wilde

The announcement was made recently finalizing the much anticipated Austin City Limits Music Festival line-up. Headlining are the Red Hot Chili Peppers, pictured below and last relevant sometime in the early 2000s:

Featured is a broke down Will Farrell along with his old friends, the Red Hot Chili Peppers. I'm going to share some gems by the other "decent" groups that are supposed to be in Austin, Texas this fall. Those others will be more in tune with the notion of "folksy charm" rather than "all washed up".

hope you're seated

is disco also dead?

"The clock indicates the moment, but what does eternity indicate?" ~Walt Whitman

Supposedly, Donna Summer was the queen of disco. Who told me that? A cursory glance at the search results for "disco dies", with the court jester (?) of disco, Robin Gibb, now dead what does this mean for the "kingdom of disco" on the whole? I would suspect that it's finally died. It's not like I don't enjoy a good disco jam from time to time and it's not like I don't get up out of my chair every once in a while when I hear "Stayin' Alive" on the old radio. I'm just too cool, is all.

Robin Gibb was apparently married to some type of witch or enchantress that used (did?) "spider medicine" to cure the Bee Gee's ailment, whatever the hell that means. There's a beautiful metaphor not doing much to describe what this witchcraft really is, located here. I was also able to find some hogwash including veiled hints and innuendos about getting high over here on this "SpiderWoman's" website. Yet, still, no clear indications as to what "medicine" may have been used on someone treated by "spider medicine". As far as I can tell it'd be hope, duct tape, and drugs. That's not the worst way to head out so thumbs up back at you, Mr. Gibb. Also, the other images I could find weren't as good, unless you like magically coiffed hair.

"diana ross is dead"

"Did you hear the news?" (in the background "Hot Stuff" can be heard behind the newscaster clearly detailing a piece about Donna Summer) "Diana Ross is dead"

Apparently that's not the only person to have this issue:

Here's a link to the story: Link to the story

In fact there is not really a story, Donna Summer is dead. It's kind of sad. I don't know why it's so somber here lately, normally it's an upbeat corner of the internetz. This is all for now.

total eclipse of the facebook

"Nuclear apocalypse - who do you need? Actors are probably not top of the list. What can I do for you? I can pretend to be somebody who can grow you some nice crops." ~Christian Bale

There's a solar eclipse this weekend!!! Too bad the eastern coast of the United States and most of the rest of the world can't even see it because it will happen after the sun has set! This isn't really relevant to MOST of the world, but still, if you're one of the lucky viewers, don't listen to the advice on that site, look directly at the eclipse the entire time. For those of us that can't see it this weekend, there's a pretty slick slideshow on that site:

(but you gotta scroll past all those words that aren't relevant to anyone except the Rapa Nui on Easter Island)

Speaking of Easter Island, scientists just discovered those weren't just heads buried in the dirt: they had bodies too. Previously, scientists had assumed that the original inhabitants of the island were actually body-less individuals with misshapen heads. Those freaks, the Rapa Nui, may have been the ones that helped predict the end of the world! at the end of this year... or next week:

the backstreet boys could bring him back.

R.I.P. Swamp Person.

N'Sync would just let him in the band.

The Charmed Life of Francis MacComber

"All that we see or seem is but a dream within a dream." ~Edgar Allan Poe

Frank was a man of means, a partner at a large law firm that works (when he last checked) nearly 30% of the cases involving medical malpractice suits in Pittsburgh. Exceedingly wealthy, but not one of those 1%'ers or anything over the top like that. He married at 30, worked 80 hour weeks until he was 41 when he the offer to be a partner was made to him over a glass of scotch and water and a real Cuban cigar, not one of those Romeo y Julieta garbage kind that always leave you feeling dirty when you've finished. This was the kind of cigar that came in a box that cost more than a lot of folks make with three months salary. It was expected, he knew he'd eventually get the offer because he'd worked at it his entire life and his dream had finally become his reality.

Frank and his wife, Marie, had three kids and a big house in one of those chic and expensive neighborhoods that made all the other parents at their children's private school jealous. Marie loved it, it made up for some of the time that Frank spent at the office. She naturally made friends with those that were around but after Frank made partner, she thought it'd change. Things did, he was home more often and spent more time with the children. Things were happy with Frank, Marie, and their three children. An added bonus was that the house they bought was within a short drive to the office, which was good because he still spent a significant amount of time there.

He was also a man of ritual. Every day he woke at 6AM and jogged 3.6 miles, in the winter he ran on the treadmill in the basement while during the warmer months he liked to get out on the road for his daily jaunt, and their neighborhood was great for Frank's early morning jogs. He'd wave to all the neighbors as they woke and went about their own morning routines. Every once in a while when she was up, Frank took the family dog, Sunny, on his run with him and she seemed to like it.


Frank and Marie had decided on a labrador because they're good with children but that breed needs to get out and exercise too but, as they got a bit older, the kids didn't want to play with Sunny as much so Frank took it upon himself to keep her in shape. After his exercise, he showered and had breakfast and took his coffee in a travel mug with him to work. Of course he could get a cup on the way to work but that was slightly out of his way and he was particular about having a few ice cubes mixed in with his black coffee to take the edge of heat off. 3 cubes from the freezer in his kitchen was the perfect number and it was always such a hassle to ask for that type of thing in the mornings at a fast paced coffee shop. Not that he minded asking for it, just that the barista would invariably put too many in, too few, or none at all. In a pinch, a venti black and cup of ice water was his compromise, he'd simply add the appropriate amount of ice on his own for the taste.

The family had a happy life together, sure there were some differences at times, but those happen in every family. They had a nice house, nice things, each other, and a pretty certain future. It's not like in America litigation is going anywhere anytime soon. Job security, beautiful wife, even a dog, but all they were missing from the "dream" was the white picket fence. That was great for Frank because white fences always reminded him of Tom Sawyer and unlike most, he'd never been a fan of the late Samuel Clemens's work. Partly because that was one of the few things that his father attempted to share with him as a child so he shied away even as an adult. Some things will always leave a sour taste in your mouth, Frank supposed.

When he was a child, Frank and his father had a rough relationship but, as with all things, time softened their issues and they were fairly close as they both grew older. He even spoke to his father on a weekly basis after Frank's parents retired and moved to Florida, with all the other old people in the world. Frank's father was a gambler and he loved to go to the race track and bet the dog races. There were always some kind of dog races going off somewhere in the panhandle so it was perfect for him and for his wife, who got together with all the other old ladies and had "social clubs" which was an excuse to get drunk on wine and gossip about the missing members that evening. Frank's father would often take the young boy to the races and Frank would inevitably get bored and want to go home before the day was over. You see, Frank's father was one of those types that thought parenting was simply watching over the child while his wife was busy. Every once in a great while he'd engage the child and attempt to teach some life lesson but it usually came out all wrong and the pair found it better to normally just stay quiet.

One of the most impressionable and lasting memories Frank had from childhood was a day at the race track with his father. A day just like any of the others when his mother would go off to play cards with the neighbors and Frank needed to be watched. They weren't having much luck that day but whenever you bet on racing dogs, you often don't have the best of luck. Dog races are too random and the best thing you can have is luck, unless you know something special. Frank's father didn't know anyone special but those greyhounds sure moved gracefully and he loved to watch and it was a bonus whenever he picked a winner.

Frank asked his father "Dad, can we go home yet? I'm bored"

"There's two more races, boy. You can wait. How about you pick a super for this race? Maybe that'd make it less boring for ya." came the reply.

Frank decided he'd play along, but couldn't pick four dogs. The "super" is a "superfecta" and it's a combination of 4 dogs and always pays the biggest. They don't always offer superfecta bets in all races but this one was the last "super" of the night and Frank kind of wanted to win, maybe it'd be exciting, they'd never won a "super" before.

He narrowed it down to half of the dogs in the race but couldn't decide between any of the rest because their names all sounded pretty cool to him. Frank started looking around for inspiration, maybe one of the other bettors would give him a hint if he could sneak a peak at their cards or playbooks or something. All he found was a bi-centennial quarter on the ground so he picked it up, at least he wouldn't be going home broke like his father often did.

"Francis, did you decide on your dogs yet? No? What's the numbers on the back of that coin?" asked Frank's father.

"1976?" replied Frank.

"And that's your dogs, boy, I'm going up to bet now, you know the drill: keep an eye on our table."

A few minutes later Frank's father re-joined him and they both sat and waited for post time. The gates flew up and off the dogs tore after the rabbit on the rail. Dog races are quick and if you're not watching close enough, you might miss who won. Frank missed it but his father was already out of his seat and shouting "Finally, shit, boy, we hit your 1-9-7-6 straight! What were the odds!? What were the odds?!?!?!?" as he raced over to the counter with their winning ticket in hand.

They cashed their voucher and Frank's father was so happy they'd won nearly a thousand dollars that he said "Boy, you made me proud today, I know it was just a stroke of luck but hell if it don't feel good, right?"

Frank replied "I had fun today dad, I like to win." with a smile.

Laughing at the naivete of the boy's response, Frank's father said matter of factly "That must be some lucky coin, I'd hold on to that if I were you"

Frank did, he kept that coin the rest of his life. It was his only real superstition, and it seemed to really be imbued with some type of luck. When he was older, his baseball team won the regional championship when he had that coin in his shoe the whole game. He had sex for the first time with that coin nearby and he got accepted into the undergraduate and then law schools he wanted, when he rubbed that coin before submitting his applications. His wife agreed to go out with him for the first time as he felt the slight weight of the coin in his shirt pocket. He smoked that cigar with his scotch and water with that coin in his wallet. He kept it on him nearly everywhere he went and it always seemed to help him out when he needed it.

He started to really believe in the power of the coin when he was offered partner over two candidates he thought had a better shot. At that point, he decided it was time to put that coin somewhere safe so that he'd never lose it and risk losing his lifelong lucky streak. Of course, most of his good fortune was due to choice and circumstance rather than chance, but once someone convinces themselves they've got something lucky or starts to believe in that superstitious nonsense, they can rarely be unconvinced. With coin safely locked away, job situation seemingly all sorted out, and family and friends at his side, Frank felt relieved. He'd done it. He'd done everything he set out to with his life by the time he was in his mid forties. Happy house, happy home, happy life.

The coin's power still had the desired effect for Frank even while locked away in the safe under his desk in his home office. He continued to do well at work and his family even seemed to experience the effects of this powerful coin. His wife's writing "hobby" actually turned into a book deal and she was selling those things faster than they could be printed, it seemed. She was all set and ready to go off for a few weeks on a promotional book signing tour. The kids were all doing well in school and work was getting easier by the day while he performed just as well and made ever greater amounts of money yearly.

During the third week his wife was away, while the kids were either off at friends' houses or in their rooms playing video games, a call came on the house phone. It was Marie's publisher. "Frank, we've just been in a car accident and they're taking Marie to the hospital. Frank, get out here quick buddy, it's bad."

He called the kids and his wife's mother and told them they'd all need to come over the house immediately. The children arrived home first and he said "Kids, your grandma is on her way over to watch you for a while, I've got to go visit your mother."

Frank didn't want to alarm the children, and he didn't even have time to think to grab his coin. He waited for his mother-in-law to arrive and met her in the driveway, "Judy, Marie's been in an accident, someone needs to watch the kids, I'm flying out now. I'll keep you posted." Frank said as he hopped in the car and tossed Judy a set of keys. He loved his wife and needed to be with her at this time, Judy understood. She'd watch the kids while Frank was gone.

He sped the entire way to the airport with credit cards in wallet and phone in hand trying to organize an immediate trip to Portland, Oregon from Pittsburgh. He pulled into the check-in and paid an exorbitant sum for the tickets and was lucky enough to get a flight out in only two hours with just one layover in Dallas. He'd be at his wife's side by midnight. Luckily, it seemed his coin was still operating, but this accident had to be some sort of malfunction or just a bad scare because his coin had yet to fail him before.

Frank sat in the airport lobby awaiting departure and quickly made as many phone calls as he could, first to Judy:

"Hey Judy, I'm at the airport, heading out in about an hour. I'm going to try and find more information and call you back. I've got to talk to Paul, Marie's publisher. He was with her.."

Judy interrupted him, "Frank, Paul just called here again. He's probably going to be calling your cell phone now. Marie's in surgery. They're not telling him much. You need to get out there."

"I know. Believe me, I'm having a hell of a time here. Dammit. I should be there by midnight they're telling me." Frank replied, pain audibly creeping into his voice.

Right after he hung up with Judy, a number called not in his phonebook. "Hello Paul?!? What's the news?" Frank asked.

"Yeah partner, it's me. I'm not 'kin' so they're not giving me much info on anything. She's in surgery now, been there for about a half hour or so. Frank ... when will you be here?" came Paul's reply.

"As soon as physically possible. I'm sucking down coffee like a mad man and shaking like a meth addict over here, worried sick. Can you put me on the phone with one of the doctor's?" Frank said.

Paul replied "Yes, I gave them your phone number but they said until she's out of surgery they won't have much to tell you either. They know you're on the way but, I gotta tell ya, it was scary. It was a nasty accident, she got pretty messed up. Lost consciousness after the ambulance arrived and I haven't been able to speak to her or see her since. They rushed her straight to the ER and have been working since."

"Damn, well, if you hear anything at all, seriously, call me. Tell the doctor to call me, what's the hospital's number?" Frank asked as he pulled out a pen and wrote the number on his hand. After he got off the phone with Paul, he hesitated to call the hospital. Frank just sat there for about 10 minutes, hanging his head and shuddering at the thought of losing the love of his life.

He eventually got his nerves together and made the call, was directed to the receptionist in the ER and she basically said the same as Paul, they'd make everyone aware as soon as more information was available but Marie was still in surgery. No, she didn't have any more information than that but she tried to be helpful by giving directions to the hospital from the airport. He stopped her because he couldn't take anymore of this non-information and he knew he'd just get a taxi, toss him a couple hundred dollar bills and get there as soon as possible. The taxi driver ought to know where he's going.

He went back to hanging his head until the boarding call came. He boarded the plane, and the longest and most arduous wait of his life began. Time slowed to a crawl and then seemed to stop for a while and then crawled again. Frank swore as he looked at his watch that the second hand literally stopped half a dozen times while he watched it, waited, and listened for any news of their flight times or expected arrivals. The in flight movie wasn't a movie, it was a couple episodes of a television show. Marie's favorite television show that she forced him to watch with her every Thursday night after they went on their weekly date. He hung his head, covered his ears and for the first time in his adult life since the birth of their first child, actually shed a tear. How could this be happening? Can my fortune have changed? He asked himself these questions over and over in his head but knew there would be no answer until Portland and he hadn't even made it to Dallas yet.

The rest of the flight went much the same, head hung low, shuddering and not speaking to anyone. If he hadn't managed to eek out "My wife was in an accident" to the stewardess they may have thought he was a nervous airplane bomber with how he was acting. Slowly rocking back and forth in his seat, head hung low, and his body shuddering from time to time. He was physically in shock, he'd never had anything so tragic happen that made him worry so much. He personally had never so much as a broken bone and no one else in his family had either. This was such a strange and terrifying feeling. The worrying was the worst feeling he'd ever felt. It had to be how hell felt, he thought. Hell is waiting on an airplane, watching your wife's favorite show, not knowing whether she's going to be alive when you next see her or not.

His personal hell ended as he ran off the plane as soon as the gate opened, barging right by the attendants and other first class passengers. He was only carrying his wallet and his phone so he ran straight to the nearest exit and found a cab. Tossing the driver a hundred, Frank said "I've four more if you get me to St. Genevieve's Hospital quicker than you've ever gone before, my wife was in an accident"

The driver needed no further urging and tore off from the terminal with the pedal to the floor. That crown victoria was going to be showing her true stripes that night as the pair sped to the hospital in record time. Frank threw the money through the window to the driver and got out of the car even before they'd come to a full stop. He ran to the desk in the ER and saw Paul sitting in the lobby, head hung low.

Paul noticed the bustle as Frank rushed in, made eye contact and just went back to hanging his head. Frank collapsed as he realized his wife was gone. He'd never again get to hear her laugh or see the glint in her eye when he made her laugh. She was gone, he'd later find out internal bleeding couldn't be stopped. Frank arrived at the hospital at 12:37 AM, Marie MacComber was pronounced dead at 12:09AM. It wasn't as if those extra minutes would have helped, he wouldn't have been allowed in the surgery room and he would have only flew into a rage for not being allowed to see his wife.

When he finally did get to see her, she was a mess. Blood was everywhere, even an untrained eye could tell from the wadded up bloody rags that there was just too much lost for her to live. Frank sat down right there on the floor and couldn't move, couldn't think, could barely breathe while he tried to understand what had just happened to him. He sat there motionless, taking short breaths until a nurse noticed he probably needed some help and got him up and into a bed down the hall. He laid there and wept until sleep took over.

He woke up and Paul was sitting in the chair, again hanging his head, just staring at the ground. "I'm sorry, partner" was all Paul could think to say. What else can someone say when that happens? What can someone do? There was no comfort for Frank, he was only half a person now. His heart just died down the hall while his plane was landing on the tarmac at the airport in Portland.

Frank never remember much over the next few days. He remembered calling Judy, there was a lot of silence and sobs when he broke the news. "Wait til I get home, I'll tell the kids." Frank remembered clearly telling her that but by the time he did arrive back home, the children had figured it out on their own and attacked him at the door, all three bawling like infants rushing for their father's comforting arms.

Funeral arrangements were made and Marie was laid to rest next to her grandparents in the family plot. Frank made arrangements for a monument he thought she'd like. Frank's morning drive to work (when he finally went back to work) began incorporating a ride through the cemetery to visit his wife. He was ok most days, but he rarely slept. Running helped tire him out so he started running at night instead of the morning and it seemed to fix the problem for a while.

About three months after Marie's accident Frank was out for a run with Sunny and he noticed his shoelace was coming undone so he bent down to tie it. As they stopped, Sunny paced around him a while (he had her leash tied to his waist band) and as she took a few steps into the street to paw at a bug she found, she was struck by a grey sedan. The force of the impact instantly killed Sunny and pulled Frank to the ground. As he fell, he hit his head on the sidewalk and was knocked unconscious. He woke to someone shaking him "Hey, are you all right?" the stranger asked "I just called 911, I think someone hit your dog, did you see who did it?"

Frank didn't respond. He couldn't, his eyes glazed over with that unfocused look and he laid his head back on the concrete. Frank didn't answer any questions from the paramedics when they arrived, he couldn't speak. Both of his women had been taken from him. Taken, and he'd always been so charmed. Eventually, the one medic checked Sunny's collar and found the house number. Judy had been stopping by more often, helping around the house, since her daughter passed and she answered the phone.

"Uh, yes, ma'am, uhh... I think we've got your husband here. There's been an accident and he seems ok, got a bit of a bump on his head but he won't respond to any questions we're asking him. Are there any medical conditions we should be aware of?" Asked the medic when Judy answered.

Judy said "He's my son-in-law, where are you? I'll come and get him. We've been through a lot, you're sure he's ok?"

"Yes ma'am, physically fine, might have a bruise or two but we can't find anything wrong." replied the medic.

Judy arrived on the scene and the medics had managed to get Frank seated on the curb. Judy saw Sunny's lifeless corpse laying just twenty feet away. Oh god, oh god no, Judy thought to herself, not her too. She began to weep as she walked over to Frank. She said "We're gonna need a moment" to the medics.

Judy sat down next to Frank and just held him, she was old enough to realize that there was nothing to say. There was nothing to do. There was nothing that could be done. Frank, after receiving a near fatal blow months ago had again lost a loved one. They sat there long enough silently; Frank emotionless and mentally elsewhere and Judy weeping for him and for herself, and for her daughter and her grandchildren. It seemed as if a curse had fallen down on the MacCombers.

Judy and Frank's father-in-law moved in with the MacCombers that week because Judy was worried Frank might not be able to take it, he stopped speaking to nearly everyone unless he had to. He grew distant from the children because everytime he looked at them, he saw sadness in the eyes that so resembled their mother's beautiful brown eyes. Frank could barely look in the mirror in the mornings, he stopped running and took to having his meals (when he could eat) at his desk in his study.

Frank lost track of the days, lost track of the weeks even. He went to work in the mornings, shuffled papers at his desk until about noon when he couldn't take it anymore and went home to wallow in his misery in his study. How? Why? WHY? He wanted to know but he'd never receive any answer. He began to question everything, especially that coin from the track that day. He pulled it out of the safe and set it on his desk.

He stared at it, afraid to touch it, afraid to think of what might happen if he did. Frank was losing his mind and quickly, everyone noticed and tried to help as best they could but it was all too much for him. Frank eventually picked that coin up off his desk and he took it to the park where he first kissed Marie. He sat on the same bench and looked out at the same pond. He sat there for hours and barely moved until he suddenly stood up and hurled the quarter as hard as he could out into the middle. Francis MacComber went home that night and put a .38 revolver in his mouth and pulled the trigger.

Written by: Javier Nelson

howard stern, swamp people, and bigamy

"Absolute silence leads to sadness. It is the image of death." ~Jean-Jacques Rousseau

Mitchell Guist, a bonafide swamp person, died recently of some sort of seizure. He did fall out of his boat right before it happened and I'd expect there to be a heartwarming episode forthcoming. It's sad when reality television show people die and it's also an opportunity to reflect. If it weren't for reality television, I wouldn't be typing about this swamp fella right now and his death would most likely have gone unnoticed by the vast majority of the world aside from the other swamp people. As it stands, they'll probably mention this on the news tonight for everyone to discuss over the dinner table and no, this isn't the biggest piece of news in the world, in fact it's not even really news. Some old guy down in the bayou had a stroke and fell out of his boat, he died. The end.

That's not what happened to this reality star, he's on USWeekly.com and all over the rest of the internet, just look at how sad he looks in this picture (and he's still alive here):

(Courtesy USWeekly.com)

(real) first gay president

And he hunted vampires.

newsweek says obama is gay and other fun

"I really couldn't care less about anything political, leave me alone" ~J.Nelson

Newsweek just decided to declare Obama the "First Gay President" and I don't know if they remember grade school but if they were at recess right now and Obama heard all those dudes over at Newsweek saying he was gay, he'd probably have to do something about that.

Courtesy: LATimes

happy panda, happy patron

"But in Japan, there's nothing like that, since the temple is made of wood. The divine spirit inside the building is eternal, so the enclosure doesn't have to be." ~Tadao Ando

 I fucking love sushi. That's what this is about, plain and simple. I saw an episode of No Reservations where Tony Bourdain ate chicken sashimi from a chicken that was killed like an hour before. I nearly choked on my slobber because I was salivating so much.

 

Also, this panda is happy as hell.

clown zip car

"Dare to wear the foolish clown face." ~Frank Sinatra

This zip car was sitting next to me at a light earlier, inside were six people. Click and view image to see larger.

6! It's just a mini-cooper!

mother's day advice and some foreign sports

"You're not famous until my mother has heard of you." ~Jay Leno

In my particular situation that  applies to my grandmother. Which, I've always been unclear about why grandmothers are included in the whole "mother's" day thing. And all women, it's mostly a conspiracy but it's something I've learned to accept.

There's a complicated and simple way to explain why I read an article about the potential situation on the future of soccer after this morning's Manchester United and Sunderland "match" (I think they're called matches) but it's just easiest to summarize my findings and maybe give you something interesting to talk about this mother's day (or next week/whenever you want to "drop some J.Nelson" on someone) but basically: England's Premiere soccer league needs a salary cap. If you want to know more about the discussion, check out this article here. Supposedly, today's game may have a big part in how that plays out so if you're reading this article now, for mother's day advice, I can't help you just yet but if you're doing a brunch or lunch or some fancy faux date night with your mom next week and have a few seconds outside, discuss this interesting bit of information when you have a few minutes to compare European and American sports league habits with whoever.

Maybe some last minute drug store buys could help your mother's day situation, or perhaps a gift card found at a charming grocery store? Double out on those shopping points wherever you do your chain store bargain purchases. In other news, Pastor Maldonado won some race. And yes, the only reason I share is because I thought it was about some priest foot race. No, it's just a regular fella who drove a formula 1 car. Not a big deal, just something to talk about. Click read more if you'd like to hear my advice for you on mother's day.

cuddle monster(s)

"I have to tell them that last night was a shameful train wreck filled with blind cuddly puppies." ~Charlie Sheen

I am a cuddle monster, nothing more can be said. Buy me this if you want to please me, or you could always cuddle me and talk dirty.

carroll shelby died, lil boosie not a murderer, and other new stuff this week

"I would like that to be known; these facts are in the summary which I think is a very good one." ~John Sherman Cooper

 In the news today: Carroll Shelby recently died. He, as in yes that's a boy's name, he was 89 years old. That was quite an accomplishment itself but he also designed the famous Shelby Mustang. That link opens a window with pictures of that sweet looking car. 

Also in the news, Lil Boosie was acquitted of murder. I had no idea he was charged with the offense or what it is that he raps about, but he's a free man now apparently. Oh, wait, no he's not. He's actually in prison still but on separate charges. They are drug related charges and my uninformed opinion of the situation is that the drug charges are trumped up too. I only say that because I personally believe all drugs should be legal and the market will regulate itself. Capitalist style.

more political bathroom graffiti

“Well, while you were in the bathroom, I sat down at this picnic table here in Bumblefug, Kentucky, and noticed that someone had carved that GOD HATES FAG, which, aside from being a grammatical nightmare, is absolutely ridiculous. So I'm changing it to 'God Hates Baguettes.' It's tough to disagree with that. Everybody hates baguettes.” ~John Green

 It's like a bathroom graffiti war in the bathroom on the second floor of my office building.

more than meets the eye...

"Better murder an infant in its cradle than nurse an unacted desire." ~William Blake

Sometimes you just gotta kill a bitch, and in that spirit, here is an animated short about how Optimus Prime really died. Transformers this time, not those shitty GoBots.

time magazine's latest cover raises an interesting issue

"A graceful and honorable old age is the childhood of immortality." ~Pindar

via Huffington Post

Time magazine's latest cover is hotness squared. Everyone seems to be up in arms about this, even the latino fox news is chiming in and I love that they have a subdomain for their latino fans. Anyhow, if I ever have a baby momma (and we can infer that'd include a child), I want her to rock the breast feed until her pretty little heart desires. I see breastfeeding as one of the most feminine things on the planet: it's life giving and life sustaining and I'd totally mix some vodka in there and maybe some kahlua and make a white breasted russian. It'd be gross, nasty, and depraved but that's what the human condition is all about. The "white breasted russian" is my gift to you, go ask for it the next time you're out for a night on the town.

the redneck debate

"Never drum on a white lady's boobies at a big redneck dance. Got it." ~Will Smith, Wild Wild West

Just a car I saw, I almost wrecked trying to take this picture so I hope it's at least somewhat humorous to you as well.

"LOL@rednecks"

expectum some harry potter

"After being in Harry Potter, I believe a bit more in magic than I did before." ~Rupert Grint

I honestly can't believe he said that, since when do green screens and fancy costumes make you believe in magic anymore than when the wind blows and my penis gets erect? Is that magic? Well, maybe. Here's an animated short about the wicked wizarding palace of Harry Potter himself.

zip-line fun

"A life without adventure is likely to be unsatisfying, but a life in which adventure is allowed to take whatever form it will is sure to be short." ~Bertrand Russell

Zip-lines are trending on google today, wtf? About a week ago, Venice Beach announced they'd be installing a zip-line for tourists, immediately after the South Park zip-lining episode a few weeks prior to that showcasing how supposedly boring zip-lining is. I have to assume those two incidents are related, but LO AND BEHOLD! down in Georgia, flesh-eating bacteria started eating some girl's flesh after she contracted the disease from a zip-lining incident. I've never had a bad time zip-lining. In times past, I'd thought of adding it to my hobbies or interests, in fact. When you feel that wind whipping at your face, blowing through your hair and you know there's nothing between you and the ground but some steel wire and maybe a harness, you feel free like you've never felt free before. Flying majestically through the tree-tops or sand-dunes (?) to arrive safely at the other end of the zip-line where all you can think about is "again, again!"

TheWick is updating regularly, doing his thing. Actually, if you're reading this, check it out and email him any and all questions you have. He wants to do some Q&A style posts and last I checked he hadn't responded to any of my questions. I'm pretty curious so I had a few. Seriously, spam his inbox, he'll love it.

I posted a tragedy, of sorts, today over on pre-war. Hopefully, The Charmed Life of Francis MacComber will give you a better idea of the kind of material for that site. Ain't no happy ending this time though.

saddam hussein has a doppleganger, said person molests children

"Allah is on our side. That is why we will beat the aggressor." ~Saddam Hussein

Found this image at a rest stop on the Pennsylvania turnpike, I-76. Apparently this guy is a molester of some sort, in addition to being the late Saddam Hussein's doppleganger.

"kids declare: go-bots suck!"

"Acceptance of what has happened is the first step to overcoming the consequences of any misfortune." ~William James

When the Transformers made it big, the GoBots fell by the wayside and into the gutter, like the trash they always were: this is an animated short of their true hollywood story.

tim tea-bow baggins

"I don't know how one actually would define obscenity. I'm sure the definition is different according to the age one is living in." ~Jane Alexander

I love this quote. It goes very well with the image today, you see this is a picture I took a while back of a box of tea bags I'd purchased. I bought it because I thought it hilarious that there was such a thing as "family sized" tea bags. Tea bag fun for the whole family, I of course refer to the sexual act in this instance. This particular box is special, and that's why I took and saved the picture. You see, I am a man of letters, shall we say. I send folks post through the snail mail, in fact I prefer snail mail to email because I think email is so impersonal. You can't smell the hint of smoke on an email even if I were puffing away at a pipe like my life depending on it deep in an opium den as I drift off and chase that beautifully dangerous dragon. To my point: I mailed a few used tea bags from this box to my friends. Yes, snail mail tea bags. I'm pretty sure that comes close to "defining obscenity".

underwear bombs, presidential inmates, and other nonsense.

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

a day in the life of california's finest

"A functioning police state needs no police." ~William S. Burroughs

Remember CHiPs? Yeah, I don't really either but I think it was the first show about gay police officers. Here's an animated short by our talented contributor that has yet to get his shit together and post for himself. In this video, the CHiPs boys encounter a few notable other characters and drop the tea bag of justice in their mouths.

animated short about star trek justice

"Be not simply good - be good for something." ~Henry David Thoreau

I hope not everyone in the world is aware of the inside joke amongst star trek fans/trekkies/nerds around the world, but it goes a little something like this: back in the Shatner days (and even in the more recent series(es) of Star Trek), anytime they made a trip down to a planet, the fella wearing the red shirt, AKA the guest star/special appearance by actor always wound up dead. It was kind of a theme of the show, here's an animated short showing that red-shirted Star Trek characters can get their sweet justice. Yes, this video was made by one of our contributors, no he's not posting it but watch it all the same.

 

out on the high seas

"Life's pretty good, and why wouldn't it be? I'm a pirate, after all." ~Johnny Depp

more ways than one to get mad mexican

"Beer. Now there's a temporary solution." ~Dan Castellaneta

There are more ways than one to get mad mexican. The other day at a wonderful cantina in town I ordered a michelada espana. I had no idea what it was but the barkeep told me it'd be a garden in my mouth and he wasn't just hitting on me.

just javier and al gore

"A zebra does not change its spots." ~Al Gore

This is just a picture of Javier on the far right with the then Vice President Al Gore during his presidential campaign. I actually taught him about pollution that day and I have to assume I'm the reason he's such an eco-warrior these days.

champion in bed

"Achievement brings its own anticlimax." ~Maya Angelou

Now I'm not normally a fan of the whole fortune cookie phrase followed by "in bed", but occasionally something particularly savvy finds it's way into my fortune cookie.

...in bed.

it's been a long winter.

"God is day and night, winter and summer, war and peace, surfeit and hunger." ~Heraclitus

And it's over now, thank god!

jerry sandusky is watching you ...

"You can observe a lot by just watching." ~Yogi Berra

Jerry Sandusky always observes you. At all times. He is always watching. 

paper penguins

"Poetry surrounds us everywhere, but putting it on paper is, alas, not so easy as looking at it." ~Vincent Van Gogh

A paper penguin army is just as formidable as a regular penguin army. 

danger, dangerfield

"The true man wants two things: danger and play. For that reason he wants woman, as the most dangerous plaything." ~Friedrich Nietzsche

Not only a talented and hilarious actor, Mr Rodney Dangerfield also rapped. I need a new record player like yesterday with jewels like this out there.

doubly fortunate?

"A great fortune is a great slavery." ~Lucius Annaeus Seneca

 

Obviously, in bed.

where's your sleeves, asshole?

"Adulthood is the ever-shrinking period between childhood and old age. It is the apparent aim of modern industrial societies to reduce this period to a minimum." ~Thomas Szasz

Slipping and sliding isn't just for the kiddies, though the actual slide got pretty busted up by the end of the day.

an organized work area is crucial

"Electricity is really just organized lightning." ~George Carlin

It's important to keep your work area organized and tidy, as you see I operate on a bit of a minimalist approach, but there's margarita in that devils cup. It wasn't bad but I need to try more to determine for sure whether it's a good margarita or not.

night archery

This is what happens when Derby day and Cinco De Mayo fall on the same Saturday. Mint Juleps and Margaritas flowed like water but the party didn't ever really die down until the third attempt at this, after my battery died and the "shot in the air" came down right in front of me and I freaked out and went inside to go to bed.

first post of a non-moving image.

"A work of art is the unique result of a unique temperament." ~Oscar Wilde

I found this written on a bathroom stall in a mexican dive bar.

first video post, escaping the chains

"All the best stories in the world are but one story in reality - the story of escape. It is the only thing which interests us all and at all times, how to escape." ~Walter Bagehot

 

may the fourth(?) be with you.

“You don’t need to see his identification … These aren’t the droids you’re looking for … He can go about his business … Move along.” ~Obi-Wan Kenobi (Sir Alec Guinness)

 May the 4th. "May the force" [be with you]. Do you see the similarities there? Today is Star Wars Day, apparently this information has been a guarded secret for the past 30 years or so by the nerds and dorks of the world. Today though, I'm finally bringing this nonsense to light. According to the star wars "Wookiepedia", the phrase (and day's homonym like significance) was first used in 1989 (close enough) when the London Evening News ran the story about how Margaret Thatcher first became prime minister of England and they congratulated her by saying "May the 4th be with you, Margaret". Only the British would think that's a worthy headline for a newspaper post. Apparently only the British and myself, though admittedly this isn't a newspaper, my title is remarkably similar to their nonsensical phrase. Not only does this day have dubious historical significance related to Britain's first female prime minister, it's also a reason for star wars nerds around the world to celebrate.

laying pipe, 6-packs, and field trips

"One man's remorse is another man's reminiscence." ~Ogden Nash

The roar of the bus engine could be heard throbbing dull and purring easy under my feet. The vibrations were soothing but the gentle rocking was distracting because I was baked out of my mind.

8 in the morning. Most people in the world are probably awake by 8 in the morning, but I wasn't used to it. There have been only a handful of times that I was conscious at 8 in the morning at school. I paid special attention to barely schedule any classes before noon, ever. So this 8 in the morning shit wasn't up my alley. It wasn't even on the same street.

an even more modest proposal.

Full size here

16 and pregnant: whoring around MTV style

“To be understood is to prostitute oneself” ~Fernando Pessoa

Twitter tells me today that "16 and Pregnant" is a trending topic this week. I'm a very curious individual and I'll admit that the premise to this show insults my intelligence as well as any viewer. I was extremely cautious about beginning this post and still have my doubts. MTV is notorious for that type of drivel but it seems to be mostly palatable to the masses. MTV proceeds and continues in their manner of trashy classlessness and America eats it up like it's their first meal in weeks and they'd been held hostage and forced to watch educational television programming. They do not, however, show much music on their music television station, much to the delight of cliche comedians around the world.

a run for the roses.

"If you're going to be crazy, you have to get paid for it or else you're going to be locked up." ~Hunter S. Thompson

Secretariat was the greatest racing horse that ever lived and may hold that title for the rest of time. He set records at both the Derby and the Belmont Stakes and while he was busy setting records left and right, he managed to win the coveted triple crown of horse racing. The "triple crown" in horse racing begins with the greatest of all horse races: the Kentucky Derby, held on the first Saturday of May at legendary Churchill Downs just outside of Louisville, Kentucky. From there the ponies get a breather for two weeks before heading to the Pimlico track in Baltimore for the Preakness Stakes! The last leg of the arduous journey for these mules is three weeks later way up in Elmont, New York at Belmont Park for the Belmont Stakes. Handily, Secretariat ran through those fool other horses finishing the Derby in less than 2 minutes, averaged out to almost 35 miles per hour and he was still speeding up in the last quarter mile stretch. The Preakness is slightly longer than the Derby and the Belmont is the longest track of the three.

octomom does robot porn, hitler is deceased.

"If you reveal your secrets to the wind, you should not blame the wind for revealing them to the trees." ~Khalil Gibran

Fortunately (or unfortunately depending on how this pans out) the octomom, Nadya Suleman, is trending today on google. The first article I read is here, and to summarize briefly: Octomom will do porn (if she gets an offer) but won't touch another human... Obviously what this article really means is that the octomom is ready to make the sex with a robot of some kind and she'd really like it if a porno studio would throw her a (robot) bone. I really don't see the big deal, I mean she's kind of famous and aside from the downstairs mix-up I assume she has because she pushed out a dozen children at one time, irreparably destroying her nether parts, she's not terrible looking. She wouldn't be the least attractive female in the industry. I'm sure some freak nasty fella sitting alone somewhere in his double wide would like to go to town on himself while watching the octomom take on one of those sex machines.