I've written before that this blog contains a lot of mental health issues. In my recent self explorations I have come to realize that it is actually an ode to ADD. Most diagnoses of the disorder happen in youth but there are many with the affliction that only realize later in life. I have to assume there are countless others with ADD never diagnosed.
The DSM-IV had three criteria but as the disorder becomes better understood the criteria have changed. Dr. Gabor Mate says that only sensitive children can get ADD. There's a dysfunction in the brain that is basically the unnatural formation of the prefrontal cortex. This is where all of our instant processing takes place and emotional regulation. The brain is supposed to develop slowly how to deal with emotions. It is supposed to give us the ability to compare and contrast past experiences and allow an emotionally regulated response. Essentially, it's the proper and timely development of the brain that makes us civilized and well balanced.
During the first nine months of our existence we have no wants and no desires. We simply exist and all of our needs are met. Then we are born. Due to evolutionary reasons that allowed us to walk upright, we need to finish early development of our higher functions outside the womb. We're not born as fully realized humans. This isn't some insight, it is obvious to anyone who has ever met a baby.
Our first sights and sounds and smells are those of our mother. Like baby birds we hatch into this world with nothing but that initial loss and an eagerness to live. Giraffes are born into this world being expected to keep up with their mother's milk. Humans are born unable to do anything. Not only are we physically incapable (babies are notoriously weak) we are also mentally and emotionally incapable.
The second nine months of our lives is where the prefrontal cortex and higher functioning systems fully form. This happens largely during a process called attunement. This is where the baby seeks out the context and meaning and emotions of the mother so that they can define their own. The emotional center of the developing brain resides behind the right eye and the infant persistently seeks out eye contact with the mother. The baby has no way of knowing anything about deception so when the mother experiences stress or pain or anguish the baby can sense it even when she tries to hide it. Though we may show a seemingly sincere smile to an infant, they can tell that it is insincere because the emotions that typically move those muscles are not.
The problem arises because of the deception. The infant is unable to form their brain properly because the mother is experiencing too much stress. The sensitive babies need the attunement even more than their less sensitive counterparts because of their sensitivity. This increased need coupled with the decreased availability of emotional truth and attachment and LOVE of the mother naturally leads to such unnatural outcomes. The baby's brain adapts to their surroundings. In a new world where they need love and patience and every other bit of care but it isn't available, the baby figures it out.
My half-brother is seven years younger than myself. I remember when he was an infant my mother would "let him cry it out" in his crib while he was crying for love or attention or perhaps even food or a diaper change. My memories of my youth are terrible (which is something pretty common amongst those with ADD) but I remember feeling awful hearing the cries from the other room and being unable to do anything. I would go in and try and comfort him but I would be chastised for disturbing my mother's mothering style. I say chastised but I was usually physically and/or verbally abused in some way, another thing common to those with ADD is the diminishing of our own abuse.
Babies are in a unique position. They need the mother for everything, they need emotional attunement and physical survival. If the baby realizes that they must put their emotions aside in order to be fed, they eventually put their emotions aside and dissociate. This leads to their inability to deal with emotions later in life. I've learned that this isn't an emotional death sentence, it just means that I need to do more work. I need to be more mindful and I need to be more patient with myself than I have ever been in the past.
Remembering this, I know how and why I have ADD. I'm fairly certain my brother does as well. How can I be mad at my mother for this when I received the same treatment from her step-father? My great-grandmother also abused me when I "misbehaved" who most likely treated her daughter the same way who most likely just continued the trend. There were baby books for years that said the best way to deal with a crying infant is to treat them like my mother did my brother. A statistically higher percentage of adults with ADD are alienated from their families.
Adults with ADD complain of lives where they haven't lived up to their potential. People that meet them say they're bright, sensitive, nice, and all manner of seemingly positive traits. Except, they can't keep it together long enough to actually achieve anything. Procrastination is rampant because the reward system in our brains is wonky. Feelings of inadequacy stemming from the inability to "be normal". Which makes sense because my life has never been normal, or natural as I've come to find out. They can be quick to anger and other emotions because they don't have a working regulatory apparatus in their brain.
Coping mechanisms often include drugs and alcohol because their is a baby sized hole in their hearts. They don't experience emotions the same way that others do because they have a differently wired brain. The reward system in the brain can be almost entirely wrong and still come up with a "functioning" adult. ADD is caused in infancy, the situations that give rise to the ADD are usually still present in the family as the child gets older. Not only is this child ill-equipped to deal with hardships at home, they are usually in a home that will have many hardships.
My entire life I've been ill-equipped to deal with being overly sensitive, which is almost certainly why I write like I do. It's also why I drank. I'm guilty of pursuing that which is of interest and only recently have I sought out that which is in my interest.
No comments:
Post a Comment