a deeper problem than simple incontinence

 

In the last episode we discussed some scenes from the past. I believe I'm ready for now. 

I'm parenting myself these days. I'm probably not the best parent in the world but I'm trying to be the best parent I've ever had. I'm definitely not the best child in the world but I'm learning to love myself. That's what parents are supposed to do, love their children. We've evolved to basically love them unconditionally, the Greeks had a word for this: Agape. 

"Agape is a type of love that is not based on feelings, but rather on a conscious decision to love others without expecting anything in return. It's a love that is intended for everyone and is often described as the highest form of Christian love."

 "Jesus wept." John 11:35

I've been weeping lately as my child self because my parent self has been able to practice acceptance. I also pay attention to the child, when I feel emotions that don't make any sense I practice a breathing exercise before I kindly ask myself what's making me feel this way. Paying attention, without distractions, is a form of love. It's very difficult but the process is exceedingly rewarding. If I believe in any notion of "normal", I'd say that I'm on the path to normalcy. 

That John chapter of the bible is the story of Lazarus. The dead man brought back to life. In a tangible way, that story resonates. I've felt like a zombie shuffling around. Going through the motions of life in mocking mimicry of those around me that seemingly "had their shit together" so much better than myself.

I'm simply seeking out that which we are all entitled: happiness. The only way I'm able to pursue happiness is first by healing. I spent the first half of my life so far embroiled in an emergency state. I was constantly on edge and constantly under attack. I spent the second half of my life so far embroiled in an aimless and dysfunctional wandering. 

"All that is gold does not glitter, Not all those who wander are lost; The old that is strong does not wither, Deep roots are not reached by the frost. From the ashes a fire shall be woken, A light from the shadows shall spring; Renewed shall be blade that was broken, The crownless again shall be king." J. R. R. Tolkien

 For years I had that quote on my cubicle wall at the job where every day felt like my personal hell. While I'd like that quote to apply to me, I know that I was lost. Deep in the woods with the sun going down and a fog so thick I struggled to see my hands in front of my face. There were guttural, predatory noises on all sides and the fog, for some reason, was laced with some kind of depressant. No wonder I had such a rough time. 

Tragedy brought me out of that hell. It was a messy escape but I'd made it out, or so I thought. I only know how to love myself now because I had such a great example to follow. I spent the last three years living and loving and fighting and arguing with the best friend I've ever had. Not only was she my best friend but she was my lover and the light of my life. She still means the world to me, but the unruly child that I have now adopted decided to shit all over our walls and ceilings and some of it got in both of our mouths multiple times. Once or twice might be an accident but if the child continues to shit on your face and in weird, hard to clean places then clearly there is a deeper problem than simple incontinence. 

So now I find myself being a parent to this terrible little monster. Except I know that I'm not one of the things that go bump in the night, I'm one of those that stand in the light and face adversity. I've been fighting my entire life. I feel as if I've been in a trench style war where all I've been doing for the last thirty years has been fucking murders. I was the berserker and the samurai and the assassin and the soldier. By ones, twos, threes, or more I silenced voices. I ended anything that stood in my way until I came across a fawn in the middle of the battlefield.

In that moment I was finally born. I looked around and saw the battle and I tried to dig us a hole for safety and security. The only safety and security I'd ever known was at the on the edge of blood soaked cold steel. I scared the poor creature and it ran off as soon as it was strong enough. I'd like to think she's made it off the battlefield, that she'll live a long and happy life but I have no idea. 

I do know now the name of the enemy at the end of the war. I can also now finally see their command tent atop a mountain nearby. I need to take the child and myself through hill and under dale and scale a snowy cliff side before I can finally win my war. I have the climbing equipment, supplies, and a map. Once the war is won I think I can seek out the fawn, see that she's safe. See that she's secure and able to develop fully through the natural deer chrysalis stage and fly off to the moon as a beautiful butterfly with gossamer wings.