howard stern, swamp people, and bigamy

"Absolute silence leads to sadness. It is the image of death." ~Jean-Jacques Rousseau

Mitchell Guist, a bonafide swamp person, died recently of some sort of seizure. He did fall out of his boat right before it happened and I'd expect there to be a heartwarming episode forthcoming. It's sad when reality television show people die and it's also an opportunity to reflect. If it weren't for reality television, I wouldn't be typing about this swamp fella right now and his death would most likely have gone unnoticed by the vast majority of the world aside from the other swamp people. As it stands, they'll probably mention this on the news tonight for everyone to discuss over the dinner table and no, this isn't the biggest piece of news in the world, in fact it's not even really news. Some old guy down in the bayou had a stroke and fell out of his boat, he died. The end.

That's not what happened to this reality star, he's on USWeekly.com and all over the rest of the internet, just look at how sad he looks in this picture (and he's still alive here):

(Courtesy USWeekly.com)

Reese Witherspoon was in court down in Tennessee on Friday because of her father (step-father?)'s bigamy. Everyone has heard the tale of the fella that managed to pull off having two wives in two separate states, but imagine the balls on someone willing to try that shit with a famous daughter (step-daughter?). He couldn't tell his one whole entire family or friends about his famous relations or the whistle would be blown. The whole reason the issue came to light in the first place is because the other wife was in court going after John Drake Witherspoon or their family's assets, I didn't read that part too clearly. The "Witherspoons" that we all know are alleging the bigamist in question has some sort of dementia, but at 70, separated from his old wife and with viagra in hand, this guy knew EXACTLY what he was doing. Dementia, my ass.

I've been anxiously hoping Howard Stern would bomb catastrophically on America's Got Talent, but apparently he did pretty well during his debut appearance. This is unfortunate for me personally because I like to listen to him on the satellite radio in the mornings. I hope the whole show bombs this season because somehow some other reality show will take over. I hate reality television. It's just an excuse for lazy people to live vicariously through others and discuss it at their place of work.

Later today I'll probably photoshop that image above into something less somber. Stay tuned, for now check out the (real) first gay president. Newsweek can eat a dick, and they can eat dozens of dicks as soon as I hook up a mouse to that laptop. Mask layering is a bitch with a touchpad, fyi.