When we last left Abram, he'd managed to find Lot's personal stash and return safely, unmolested by any aid for some reason. In this chapter, we explore further some of the dysfunctions in Abram's marriage and other relationships.
So Abram had immediately taken off in search of his nephew in the last episode, but instead returned with his stuff. That's fair, for the most part. When he found Lot's people and belongings, his nephew was nowhere to be found and his servants most likely would have said anything to return to the glory days with Abram and his hard working wife. Life was easy then and the gifts flowed from the pharaoh and Sarai's vagina.
The story Abram heard about his nephew was almost definitely: "Lot is dead, I'm sorry but you should take us with you right now before the demons that killed him return"
After his return home, Abram received a vision of the word of the lord proclaiming to him that he was destined to receive a great reward. Instead of asking "for what am I to be rewarded?" or "why can't you just speak to me instead of being so dramatic?", Abram tells the lord to hold up, what's the purpose of these rewards if I don't have an heir? I think this line of questioning might have something to do with Lot's disappearance. There's a possibility that Abram has some redeeming qualities. Maybe he's not all liar and pimp and he might actually care about the loss of his nephew.
Abram also wants a son, and rightfully so, he's an old man now. Not so old as to be unable to conceive, but he's no spring chicken either. This reckoning would ultimately depend upon which age range is used, if it is modern day humans then Abram is a decrepit duck. Abram is 86 years old when he finally has a child. In the modern era that would mean his child would have an inordinately high risk for a number of disorders.
The lord eventually reassures Abram that he will have descendants and they will be as countless as the stars in the sky. This is different from a previous chapter where the descendants were described as numerous as the sand in the desert. This difference seems like a way to show the authors got metaphors for days and similes like these.
Abram was then instructed to gather some animals and make a sacrifice of them. The wording used in this section is interesting because he splits some animals in half and leaves the bird sacrifices whole. Then birds of prey swoop down and begin to feast on the offering and Abram falls into a trance. This practice is known as "augury" and it was practiced for thousands of years, apparently. The practice was made popular by the romans, and in fact the words used to describe this activity are latin, which post dates whatever language Abram was probably speaking.
While in this trance, much like in augury, Abram received a vision of the future. In this vision he was shown that he will die a peaceful death at an old age with many descendants who will eventually take over many lands. The lands in question at the time of this vision were all inhabited, but that's a problem for another chapter.
Abram's wife Sarai, possibly due to the ancient tinctures and teas that prostitutes knew about in the olden times, bore Abram no children. While it's possible she knew the brews and stuff to prevent herself from catching pregnancy, it's more likely that she just said no and/or her body refused to work properly for this old man. It's possible that Abram himself was the issue since he was so comfortable pimping her out for years, maybe it was because he had no interest in her himself. He was 86, so perhaps his penis was the problem or no interest in women? Perhaps that was why the loss of his nephew was enough for him to speak with god and demand a new heir, Lot could keep a secret.
Abram couldn't conceive with his wife, so Sarai suggested he try it with their servant, Hagar. This flippant suggestion is what really made me think that Sarai was the one that told Abram to fuck himself. Instead of recording "My wife told me to fuck myself again today when I asked about children again, but this time she also said or anyone else so I'm going to go talk to a servant" Hagar was actually a prettier name in the past and it wasn't a terrible nickname you picked up after years of being a horrible person. Reading this section now, it seems almost certain that Sarai was the reason Abram couldn't conceive. Possibly angry over the years of prostitution, Sarai would have drank moon tea or whatever she needed to in order to keep Abram's pimping, lying ass from making any more little monsters.
Imagine it from this perspective: Abram pimps his wife out for years to the king of a foreign land. When found out, he doesn't even have the decency to leave her there, he takes her back to the land they'd come from where there was a literal famine the last time they'd been through. After that, she's dragged around the countryside for a while and then Abram gives away all the stuff that she worked for to his nephew who promptly loses it in a war. After this glorious life they've led, Abram's lucky the whole circumcision chapter hasn't come up yet.
Hagar, probably jealous of Sarai and having no idea of the shit Abram puts women through, jumped at the chance to get in bed with the head of the house. Hagar and Abram conceived and that's about the same time the beatings began. Hagar might have said a bit too much to the lady of the house one day because "Sarai abused her so much that Hagar ran away" but only after Hagar spent a few weeks walking around the house and giving Sarai shit all the time. Sarai eventually went to Abram and told him:
"You are responsible for this outrage against me. I myself gave my maid to your embrace; but ever since she became aware of her pregnancy, she has been treating me with disdain."
She asked him to do something about Hagar's disdain but he said since it was Sarai's servant, it was Sarai's problem. So the beatings began and Hagar took off. She was beat so bad that the lord's messenger needed to be sent after her with the promise that if she returned and dealt with the beatings for a while then her children would be "too many to count". Not once was the idea thrown around that if Hagar eased up on the disdain, maybe Sarai would stop having PTSD flashbacks from the time the man who impregnated Hagar pimped her out for years.
Alternatively, it seems like Hagar is a bitch who probably deserves Abram, the garbage human. And so continues the greatest story ever told.
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