I guess that kind of sounds accurate, right? I "sound like a woman who's been hurt a lot", but don't we all from time to time anyways? I think a better way to describe this emotional roller coaster I unleash every couple days is "working through some shit", clearly. In my mind, that's just been these past few weeks because of what I assume is the universe's way of making me do some kind of penance for the misdeeds I've unleashed upon it. At some point in the somewhat near future, I will return to the monsters series, but for now I think it's best I keep it light.
When I stop and think about a woman who has been hurt, it's not an insult. Everyone hurts sometimes and some of us hurt all the time. The woman aspect doesn't bother me either because I've always thought my words were aggressive and too masculine for the average person. Injurious insults and colorful compliments are commonplace here, though I suppose those are as gender-less as any other words. It's 2021 and gendered thinking is out the door. Unless, of course, your language has gendered words, like a lot of languages other than English. This is basically like a whole other post, but I sometimes wonder what the gender discussion is over other languages with gendered words and professions and such. It sounds way too nuanced to come up in many mainstream locations but I expect there are some wonderful words to read on this subject somewhere on the internet, hopefully here on the internet soon.
It's complimentary, in a way. If true, that is. I'm conveying emotions, though they may be too much and the words used to describe this thing here, this confessional corner/diary/creative outlet thing... This thing where I send people when I want them to know me better... This thing that scares people away, lures them in, or most often just confuses... This thing where I "sound like a hurt woman", has a long history. If it were a human, it'd be in high school? Maybe it's older, but it was definitely held back for attendance and behavior issues. There's a ton of shit to unpack here on this thing and here I will attempt to do so, and briefly, since it's nearly 2AM and I've things to do when the sun comes up.
Before I get into that, I'm fucking proud of being a hurt woman because maybe I didn't always convey emotions. I didn't always feel them and I don't know if I do all the time now but I'm certainly more open to the notion these days than I was in the past. Expressing myself is a key element of who I am these days. Genuine, not necessarily always everything else but I've done well for myself in the realm of being genuine. Which is why this thing kind of feels a bit different to me this time and it has nothing to do with the pair of wonderful keyboards and mice I have at either of my home work stations. So, it might have a lot to do with the keyboards and mouses(because lasers not teeth?) now but I just leveled that up last week so that wouldn't explain anything prior to that.
I've tried at different times to do different things online for side cash and stuff, this was once or twice included in those endeavors so there's a bit of a mash of things to read in the history here if you're ever so inclined. It's organized by date because there's no other organizational option other than maybe images/essays/fiction/lists. Those would muddy things further, I think, because these days I don't feel like much of an image or lists kind of guy. Maybe I never was even though I still consider image editing a hobby but lists are just a lazy way of organizing.
If you read back over the years you can see some of the anger, you can see some of the growth and some of the places where I actually regressed. I think there's more of the former than the latter but I'm ever the optimist. This is a narcissistic activity for me, a bit, maybe? I'm not sure because maybe I do still have some stuff to work through. I mean, I know I still have some shit to work through after these last few weeks. I think it had something to do with the sun and the stars and the planets and how they aligned but the cosmos decided it was high time to give me hell.
It was good because I'd had it far too easy for far too long. Feeling the searing flames scorch my flesh and burn my feet to the bone as I trod through hell once more is refreshing. It gets easier the more often you do it and this is definitely a double digit trip for me. I'm pretty sure I'm not getting close to triple digits but after the second time they all run together like garbage swirling down the disposal.
I found out I'm still vulnerable. Hurt woman, so that makes sense, but it was surprising. About a year ago I had that "delete facebook, hit the gym" moment I get somewhat regularly when I'm out of shape. I cleaned house so much this time that I even moved house. This was the longest metaphorical walk in the desert I've been on in my whole life. I did a really long one once before and the results were amazing. This time, the results are phenomenal, fantastic, superb. I remember being vulnerable that other time too, when I first came back, but I've been back for months now, right? That's what I thought anyhow.
I figured I'm getting older so I need to finally get my whole self in order so that I can begin to gracefully age into my 30s and beyond. Get fit, get wit, get lit. Except, just a doobie since I don't really drink anymore. I'm sure there's words here somewhere in the past saying something to the tune of "I'll never quit drinking." or something, but times change and so do we. When I'm wrong I learn more than when I'm right, maybe. I thought I was ready for whatever the world had to offer but along came a spider that sat down beside me and whispered about wiggles and I got all gushy eyed and goofy. Like a teenager, like a stupid kid again! It was amazing! It didn't last nearly long enough and I got shook because the cosmos took my new toy away. Shook like a stupid kid gets when they lose their new favorite thing.
I've clearly got some things to work through still. It helps sometimes to look at how far I've come instead of how far I've yet to go. At other times it's best to focus on where I'm headed, but I really just try and focus on now. Right now is free of my vulnerabilities, it's free of anxiety and fear. It just is and it just is past 230AM now with an acceptable ending here.
This is the part where I add some media element. It's another youtube and it's from some women I adore:
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