Once in a while we fall in love. It can be for a moment or a millennium. Maybe you've fallen head over heels in an instant or it could be that it took years to develop the rock solid understanding that is your love. Some folks have never known love's sweet embrace while others abuse it like a drug.
What you do with your love is your own business. You can give it away daily or keep it forever. What I do with people's love is, I guess now, everyone's business. With this pretty beginning, you may have already guessed this is going to be an ugly story. I like to mix it up instead of mirror things. I suppose the way I look at things at times is as if through a distorted lens, but I'll get into that another time.
Think of that which you love. That's a weakness, it's a vulnerable spot. If someone were to take it away, you'd be hurt. You might be devastated. You might even laugh because it's so absurdly painful. When you love another that is capable of love, you expect some love in return. Not always, though.
When I was younger and ... more monstrous, I was (un?)lucky enough to be the object of a lovely young lady's love. It was lusty, lascivious, and lewd. Or maybe it was tame, timid, and tiresome. I wasn't trying to be so adored but I guess some folks just love the ugly stuff in life, and I had that in droves. I certainly didn't want to be loved, but loved I was.
A big problem with love is that you need some in order to have any more. I had no love at the time, I basically hated myself and couldn't really decide whether or not I even wanted to live. I certainly had no aspirations to live a long and lovely life with someone else. I was a little worried about being lonely sometimes but I don't think that should be much of a concern for any young man. I thought to myself that some girls just like to have fun and I've always known how to have that so it made sense that after a few dreadful mornings maybe one or two would stick around for a while.
At the time, the darkness was new to me. It still had fresh smells and new shadows to cast that manipulated the world around me in such delightful ways. I was maybe in love with journey, the downward spiral was certainly fun. Any great downhill stretch on a roller coaster is always fun. The further we fall, the further we need to climb back to get to equilibrium, let alone any great heights again.
I hear the phrase "used for sex" thrown around a lot, and while it is essentially a bit sexist, it can be an accurate summary. Oh no, you're thinking, he's extremely monstrous if he's going to say what I think he's going to say! But I'm not, I was the blackout drunkard, remember? I'd get a certain level of drunk and then I wouldn't care that it was wrong, that I could be hurting someone's feelings by showing them affection when I didn't mean it. Just because I didn't remember it happening or remember the details didn't mean I probably wouldn't do it again the following night or the night after that.
I knew what kind of darkness I was in and I knew how much rope was on the shore. It wasn't enough that someone who loved me wanted to spend time with me and help me out of that darkness, I almost wanted to bring them out with me. I knew they had almost enough rope to throw to me but they'll have to take a few steps into the darkness in order to reach.
I'd drink, blackout, get used, sober up, repeat. That's a whole different kind of toxic than I was used to but it was fascinating and I learned a lot. At any moment I could have broken to cycle, but I didn't. I let it go on for two years. Two years of tears and fights and two years of me knowing better every day and not doing a damn thing. I'm a thief of the most valuable thing there is: time. I keep all of my treasures hidden in the darkness should I need to ever retrieve them. I sincerely hope I don't because an extra two years of that kind of living isn't worth anything.
There's a couple things to learn here. You can't help someone who won't help themself. An otherwise good and somewhat intelligent woman tried her hardest for two years to fix me and it did nothing but turn us both bitter. Then, most of a decade later, I do the fixing myself. Maybe because I needed to fix myself or I was going to die or maybe because the universe decided I needed a push.
The other thing I learned is that I waited too damn long. You can't sit around and wait for the universe to give you a push, you need to push yourself. We all know what's toxic in our lives, the hard part is cutting it out.
Here's a song to set a mood.
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