A few years ago I decided it was time to "ship up or shape out", as they say. I would eventually go on to do both of those things and the more colloquially accepted "shape up or ship out" as well. The first phase of that plan was to get on a diet and exercise plan. After a few months of this, I was pretty successful in achieving my goals. I won't get into the specifics about that here because that's not what this story is about, this story is about my mail-man.
When I was younger, fresh out of college, I lived and worked in a cemetery. Yes, there are plenty of other tales from the crypts that I could share, but this one is short and sweet, more or less. While living on the grounds, you get to know a lot of the folks that visit. After all, their loved ones are literally buried in your backyard. The most frequent visitor (and the most frequent to most establishments) is always the post-man. Our postal worker for the better part of the two years I worked there was a fella by the name of Greg.
Greg was a very congenial person and also a bit of a "bullshitter". He was the type you hate to hate. He always meant well and he was such a nice guy, I had trouble telling him to shut up. I learned later that was a blessing in disguise because he would always come up with a quick one-liner or dirty joke when he brought the mail. If your mail starts coming with a dirty joke or two every day, you really start to appreciate the post office a little more. Here's a conversation between myself and Greg:
Greg - How's it going today? Any fresh arrivals?
Javier - Not today partner, got anything good for me?
Greg - Got you some DVDs and a couple bills.
Javier - How about you hold on to those bills and I'll take the Netflix, we can call it a day, eh?
Greg - You know I can't do that, but hey, I've been meaning to say. You're looking pretty good these days.
Javier - Whoa now, slow it down partner. You gotta take me out, wine me and dine me at least a little before you get any of these goodies. I'm no dime store whore, you know that.
Greg - No, no, I mean I've noticed you lost a few pounds, looking good.
Javier - Thanks for noticing. I still feel like you're hitting on me a bit.
Greg - Maybe I am, maybe I'm not. What's your secret though?
Javier - Clean living with a clear conscience, what's yours? No, I'm kidding. I drink a lot of water, stay away from the sweets, eat a lot of vegetables, and it doesn't hurt that I'm running about 15 miles a week.
Greg - I'm too old for that shit. You ever hear about that "Alli" stuff?
Javier - Yeah but this is working just fine and I'm not trying to catch any hidden cancer popping those pills or whatever they got in those things.
Greg - Well, my old lady started me on them and my neighbor was over that day and he's a real competitive sonovabitch so he asks me if I want to put money on which of us will lose the most weight. I figured hey, I've got more TO lose so I ought to have this in the bag. Hell yeah I took that bet.
Javier - Good thinking man, it's definitely easier to lose weight when you've got more of it to burn. So what, you want some pointers or something?
Greg - No, no, I'm fine on the diet. I learned the hard way how and what to eat. Those damn pills make me shit my pants if I eat too much fatty stuff. Shit myself out at dinner with the old lady the first week, I was not going to let that happen again. What if it happened while I'm out delivering mail?
Javier - I guess it'd be a tough sell for the mail man to walk up to a house and say "Hey, let me use your bathroom real quick, just shit my pants"
Greg - My thoughts exactly! Anyhow, I tell him this and I'm all embarrassed when I start in with this story. I mean, my old lady gave me hell on the whole car ride home, it was embarrassing. He stops me right when I mentioned going out to dinner and says to me "Whoa, Greg, I know where this story is heading, you shit yourself didn't you?"
Javier - Well at least it wasn't as embarrassing as you thought, he probably did the same thing.
Greg - Yes and no, and this is where it gets good. This nasty sonovabitch next door, he tells me "Greg, you can't worry about that kind of thing. That's the bad stuff getting out of you, that's proof you're losing weight." So I ask him how often it happens and he says "Greg, I've been shitting myself basically everyday since we started. It's more like a shart anyways so it's not that big a deal. Most of the time I make it to the bathroom, the rest of the time I'm just glad I have a washing machine."
Javier Nelson
No comments:
Post a Comment