Long ago, when I first started out on this odd journey of mine, I was a fool. I still am, but in different ways. I hope they're better ways, but probably not. Forward movement doesn't always mean progression though if you have an earnest desire for improvement, maybe it'll help.
This initial, specific foolishness was at the beginning of my journey into "knowledge for the sake of knowledge", better known as part time trivia wizard or full-time learner. Imagine a wild eyed young man with unruly hair. He's a heavy set heavy smoker and he's pretty aggressive. I thought I was normal at the time, but I've since learned a lot of my behaviors were (and are) nowhere near normal. Hindsight has also taught me that I wasn't seeking much actual education in the same sense as most folks. That's why I skipped the boring classes and just showed up for tests. I didn't mind learning what I was supposed to be learning, but it wasn't engaging so it wasn't worth my time. Perhaps it should have been, but I had other priorities.
One such engaging pursuit at the time was philosophy. It's still engaging now, but it's not quite so new and fresh these days. I discovered all kinds of things to occupy my thoughts and ultimately help find myself. I thought "existentialism is cool" and I decided that I wanted to be an existentialist superhero. It's basically just this idea that brutal honesty would be the only way to cultivate the life you'd like to lead. As it turns out, an existentialist superhero is just an asshole.
Obviously, there's more to existentialism than the simple idea that "existence precedes essence". Though that is the basic gist of the whole thing. In the kind of history of philosophy, the existentialists were sort of anti-reactionary reactionaries. There were a great many enlightenment and earlier thinkers that wanted to figure out why humans are so different. We're wildly different from one another and exponentially more from the rest of life on this planet. That's kind of a curious thing, if you think about it.
We don't agree on what is right and wrong and yet we all have some concept of these ideas. So some people decided that we must have an innate sense of goodness or badness and that is what makes us good or bad people. Then others came along and said that it matters what we do and it's all rather boring and gets into this weirdly religious morass eventually that's just grey bullshit. One day I'll kill god here, but this is not a theodicy kind of day.
Anyways, the existentialists kind of all banded together in the 20th century and declared any previous philosopher to either be in their group or not, and then went with this whole thing. Most notably, Jean-Paul Sartre. He was pretty famous and he lived through some wild years in the 1940s in Europe and the whole thing just kind of got on like a house fire.
What brings me to this today is the weather and the season. Fall is on the corner and it's just that kind of time of year. It's traditionally been new beginnings for me while the natural world starts to wind down Perhaps it is a function of habit, I have a summer birthday and there was always something new to start in the fall. Whether it be some job or even a new school or school year, the fall has traditionally brought newness to my life. The summer sun is waning and there's a sharp cool in the mornings that makes me feel crisp.
This existentialist superhero was always kind of an idea I had. That if we're brutally honest with ourselves and everyone else, then you will force yourself to become better. If what you do determines who you are, then you should always be doing something worthwhile. Learning or pursuing something. However, in my lazy mind, I figured I could shortcut some of the work here and outsource it to people around me. If I spoke my mind about whatever it was I was thinking, people would help me police any bad thoughts I might have. Then I could spend time in leisurely pursuits while still improving myself.
This is all circular and crazy logic, it's nonsense and it was more or less a way I justified being an asshole. I would say horrible things about myself or others and then convince myself that it wasn't that bad because I was living a full life and it was being examined. It was being judged, harshly by others and not at all by myself.
The problem wasn't my bad behavior, well, not entirely. That was a lot of youthful energy and foolishness mixed with too many chemicals. The problem was when I would do something terrible and then convince myself the next day that it wasn't a big deal. Sometimes I'd boast of my terrible deeds to unsuspecting audiences at the bar or even in idle conversation. Then I'd pause, look at the person's shocked face and ask in seriousness "Do you think that makes me a bad person?"
In a way, it was my confession. In a way, writing is as well. This exercise recently (though not as much last month as I'd like) performs the same function. The simple act of getting it out is enough to get it gone sometimes. This new me, this new thing I preach is not an existentialist superhero at all. I am still 100% an asshole, but at this time I've no longer any foolish notions it will somehow make me into a better person someday. I just speak what's on my mind because that's all I've ever done.
While I think it helps to appease our minds, it's ultimately unnecessary. By all means, use any crutches you need to help yourself stand but once you can, discard them immediately because they will only make you want to use them again. I used to think it mattered what others thought of who I was, but it never did. People just thought I was a crazy asshole. They were right, but for the wrong reasons.
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