the absolute state of things

 Try as I might, I can't seem to get many words down when they're not about myself. It's some type of narcissism, I'm sure, but it's not harmful just yet so I'll lean into it at least this one more time. However, the re-tooling has begun (hence my weeks-long hiatus) and I'm trying to focus on the production of quality words for everyone to read, not just those seeking something. I've started far more posts than I've finished lately and it is what it is, I'm not here to judge myself ... today. Below is the music video du jour in case you just wanted to skip right there and then the musings will commence after the break.

 

emotional calculus

 Much like houseplants, people need just a few things to live. Air, water, sunlight, dirt, etc. The necessities of life are those that are needed for continued survival. Seems pretty obvious, but a lot of stuff around here does at first. After water and oxygen, humans' immediate and constant needs are met. Food is necessary but it's not an immediate concern and I think there are plenty of benefits to fasting periodically. 

We eventually need to eat, but the human body is capable of going without food for a long time. The problem with this scenario is that it's unpleasant. If we only have our needs met, that's a bleak and dreary existence. That's a survival scenario and it sounds shitty so I'd recommend also including some of our desires into your everyday equation as well. The things we want can bring quality to simply surviving.

I could sleep outside and eat food I find in the woods, like some kind of man-bear or bear-man, foraging for food and just seeing what shakes loose. Maybe steal some honey and picnic baskets, who knows? Then sleep in a cave or somewhere. Maybe get a fire going and start the next day doing the same thing and then eventually just sleep through the winter. Now that I describe it like that, seems kind of desirable but that's not what I mean by needs and wants. 

Humans are kind of unique in the animal world because we can actually convince ourselves that some wants are actually needs and operate with additional survival requirements. It's truly amazing what humans are capable of sometimes. This can manifest itself in extreme acts of willpower and personal strength. It can also describe a child throwing a tantrum at the supermarket because they can't have some candy they desire. The problem with this ability is when we have to decide what's needed and what's simply wanted.

who took the time and where did they take it?

 I don't watch a lot of television. You probably hear that a lot from folks that seem altogether too well informed about stuff that's on television. Except, what the fuck is even on television anymore? I'm typing this right now on a television so maybe I do watch a lot. There's computers on televisions and television shows on computers, or in my case, on a computer on a television. Sometimes there's a stream, other times a torrent. At least for me, when it comes to what I consider "television", I mean any video media that's not music. 

Hey wait, what about the youtubes anyways? I included one here with almost every post this past month, so I obviously watch them and they're kinda like television. Mostly though, I just look up the song I want to include and watch it when I include it. They used to be on MTV, VH1, BET, CMT, etc, which would definitely be something I'd avoid, but mostly due to the commercials. However, in the modern era, all you have to worry about is ads on youtube but I use AdNauseum and I haven't seen an unwanted commercial in ages. I also remember random streaming services pulling bullshit where they'd make you watch commercials before you could continue viewing the show. 

Now that I've established I'm a bit too well informed about this stuff to not watch it, I'll admit that I actually quit... for the most part. I still torrent and download stuff. It's old fashioned these days but I also have some private streams (not an onlyfans, you degenerate) to watch for when company comes over or if there's a pay per view that needs viewed without paying, and those are kind of modern. It's always fascinating to me to see how people set up their "home theaters" because of all the choices available now. Do they have a simple wireless "dongle" like Roku or Amazon's fire stick thing? Or do they make things overly complicated and try and run a media server on Frankenstein's monster's local network with regular cable intermingled?

Dropping the television, or watching far less, came along with my excess exercise and personal paradigm shift. If you have less time to watch something, you will generally watch less of that something. You can't make more time in the day but you can cut out other stuff. I did not choose to save watching television, so it died a bit for me. I was one of those people that would put something on to have in the background while I did whatever it is that I did around my old apartment. Mostly drink, smoke, and play. I guess, but I still do two of those three things with a lot of regularity now, I just don't keep something on the television just because anymore. It always seemed like I was accomplishing more with my time because I was also "catching up on the latest shows" but in reality, I was just fucking around and not doing anything worthwhile. It was a distraction and I'm glad I cut back so much I guess is what I was trying to say. However, I gotta talk about Loki.

do something even if it's wrong

 When you're in motion, it always seems like you're doing something. Movement is certainly something, but I'm referring to the idea that in order to achieve something we must do something. I suppose another word for it could be productivity. In a modern capitalist society, productivity is king and when we're not being productive, it's almost like we're being anti-social.

Another thing to consider with this is how productive we're being. There's a really ugly tree in the yard and the reason it's so hideous is because of neglect and what looks like bad luck. Imagine if the charlie brown christmas tree were cared for and given a chance to grow healthy for about five years. The dead branches were kept trimmed and someone cared about it. Then it fell back into disrepair for a decade or more. Now this damn tree is back on its bad luck streak and looks like a sack of turds with some gnarled branches and an angry outlook on life. How should I approach this problem?

I can try and bring it back to life. The poor thing has spent more years without someone to care for it than it has with someone, and that someone is me and maybe he's gonna be resentful because I left. Ornery and disagreeable, what if he just needs put down? By that, I mean cut down and burned to light his own funeral pyre. 

As a youth, I remember playing release in this field but it was so much bigger. Where this tree stands now used to be a row of much larger pines that would dwarf this sickly abomination and he's probably twenty years old and no small stick in the ground. Maybe I just remember them being bigger as well, but I know they were better looking. The thing that made them objectively more handsome was actually the fireflies.

Fireflies don't care for a lone disaster in the middle of a field. They live in the woods, and when there was a line of trees where this loner now stands, they crossed the upper half of the field to get to the trees. In the middle of summer, on warm summer nights we'd run through a line of well maintained trees into a field of lights. Beyond that, on nights where it was just right, you could see the forest in almost total darkness. There were so many fireflies firing off everywhere they illuminated everything enough to take your breath away. 

You never realize how much life there is in the world until you see the pieces of the whole. At night, here when I was young, there were maybe millions of tiny pieces lighting up the whole of the forest. I can see them now when I go out at night, but it's not the same because of this damn tree. Rather, the lack of his ancestors. He was planted there after the others were cut down and it's a perfect example of doing something that was wrong.