Try as I might, I can't seem to get many words down when they're not about myself. It's some type of narcissism, I'm sure, but it's not harmful just yet so I'll lean into it at least this one more time. However, the re-tooling has begun (hence my weeks-long hiatus) and I'm trying to focus on the production of quality words for everyone to read, not just those seeking something. I've started far more posts than I've finished lately and it is what it is, I'm not here to judge myself ... today. Below is the music video du jour in case you just wanted to skip right there and then the musings will commence after the break.
I assume people know what a page break is for a website. It's that link you might have clicked to get here where it says something like "click here to read the rest" or something similar. It's a method to gauge engagement here, it separates the posts into separate entities to see who is clicking on what. On most sites, this part of the "article" would be filled with ads and if you know more about the behavior of those that visit the site, you can target these ads better at those people. I think with the way cross site tracking works these days it's kind of pointless because you just see ads targeted for you instead of being related to what you're reading. Unless, of course, you use some sort of ad blocker like I talked about in that other post, which can be found here. I like the page break because it makes things look cleaner and more organized to me.
I've got a lot going on lately, which is weird because I've spent the last year or so with nothing happening besides what I got into. Now I'm back to waiting on other things, other events, other people. It's no wonder I like to spend so much time by myself because other people are difficult to deal with. Navigating through the nonsense of everyday bullshit can be tiring and time consuming. It's much easier to just ignore everything and everyone and forage in the woods for whatever supplies you need, like a bear.
Change, as I've discussed time and again, is an ever present constant in life. It's what makes life such a vivacious verb, so vitally dynamic. If we don't embrace the changes of life, we don't embrace life itself. My cat, Buddy, he doesn't embrace change. He's scared of everything at first, but he eventually warms up to different things. When we first moved here to the barn, he hated it. For weeks he'd hide until I came home and then he'd explore. He eventually got the place mapped out enough to do it on his own and I'd find him popping out from under places or behind things or hopping down off shelves. Slowly, he grew accustomed to things and he eventually embraced the change. Some folks are like that, they don't embrace change but they don't really run away from it either. Change will grow on you even if you don't really want it to take root.
The alternative is to fight change. Try and change the change (which is itself a type of change) back into the original, whatever that may have been. The problem with changing change and attempting to undo something that has once been done is the same problem you face when you try and un-ring a bell. Once it is rung, the sound will forever belong to the universe. It can be quieted once more, but the bell has been rung and ... what the fuck does it matter? Who needs a virgin bell? I've never liked this metaphor (or idiom) though I use it fairly often. There's also "these are the cards you've been dealt" but most card games I know either let you get more cards or exchange some of the cards that you were originally dealt.
My problems with these phrases comes not from the phrases themselves (though they're no good), but from the idea behind it which is also no good. It is a flawed idea and I think I can objectively say that because of the scope of the idea. You see, ringing or un-ringing a bell and dealing or re-dealing cards is a faulty way of thinking because ... well, who cares? Not "who cares about why it is faulty" but who cares about the "what if" rattling around the corners of that notion. That's what these phrases are really trying to get at and it's unnatural because it doesn't account for the forward flow of time. Anytime you think of a "what if" scenario while you're floating down the river of life, you're essentially trying to envision floating upstream when you don't have a paddle and you can't use your hands because of reasons, but the point remains the same. We can only move forward in time and while that means we only get older, it doesn't mean we always get better or worse. That's what I like about the river of time without a paddle, because we can kind of steer ourselves towards stuff downstream but what is upstream might as well be gone because we can't touch it anymore.
Talking about time rivers reminds me of a meme I once saw. If there's a corpse in a pool, no one will swim there. However, there's loads of corpses in the ocean and people swim there all the time. What is the acceptable corpse to water ratio for humans to swim in that body of water? There's an empirically provable "safety" answer regarding what are safe contamination levels, of course, but that's obviously not what I'm after here. There's the general disgust portion of our brain that would override the "safety ratio" of corpse to water and decide for us, but I think generally it seems to be a visible thing. Beaches clear out immediately if a body is found but they'll have swimmers again that afternoon if the caution tape comes down. If you can't see it or smell it, the corpse basically isn't even there and you can continue swimming blissfully unaware.
I guess, in the example from earlier of the time river, I like to pull off to the side and explore the banks from time to time. It's not something I'd recommend because you basically just put everything on pause, but it does offer time for reflection. The problem is that sometimes the things you try and pause don't actually pause and they continue flowing down the river with the rest of the world and you're left lost and lonely way upstream. You may have a better understanding of the surroundings, but what good is that to everyone else if they're all gone already? These side journeys I like to take help me learn a lot but it's all self-knowledge, and that doesn't benefit anyone but myself. Unless I were to take a year off and learn a hobby or a trade or something productive and useful, for instance, writing like a professional instead of an unedited amateur.
Some of my recent issues and whatever you'd like to call this malaise of the last few weeks has to do with the fact that I'm just now realizing that I've spent a year on me. Literally everything else in my life was mostly neglected during that time and there's so many pieces to put back together and even more pieces to just leave behind and not bother with ever again. Set your life aside for a year and see what happens when you try and come back, nothing is the same and everyone seems so strange. They've all gone and gotten different and I'm not sure how or what or why and I know that's my fault. I could have paid attention but instead I focused on myself first. I had to, right? The oxygen mask needs to go on yourself before you can help anyone else. What happens when you finally get the damn thing on and everyone else is gone? You're getting good oxygen on a plane that's going down and everyone else grabbed a parachute months ago.
I talk a lot about letting go of my emotions. Letting them in and letting them go is how I think I need to experience life. I've tried shutting them out entirely but that's just another way of bottling it up until I explode. I've also tried holding onto everything and keeping the things I want close to me. That works a bit better but then I also have to keep the bad stuff close too. It's necessary to feel but it's unnecessary to hold on to the feeling. Pull it in, understand it, then let the universe have it again. When there are feelings so great they determine their own course, even this third method fails me. However, I still consider this to be the best way to feel things even if it does fail when there's extreme stress on the system. I'm human, my emotional locks and dams can overflow without causing a catastrophe. And now that I'm the engineer for my waterways, they're being designed to overflow but in the way I want. Directing the excess emotional energy at productive endeavors instead of over analysis of the self.
Of course, like all things, easier said than done. Especially now because I'm still in such a state of flux. When metal is first cast into a die, it's malleable. That's me right now. Maybe. Maybe not. I was definitely hot for a long time, fiery in my pursuits. Now I'm cooling and examining the shape I'm taking. Now is the time for final adjustments, I suppose.
This has been all over the place, like me the last few weeks. And also, to put it into perspective, it feels like 2 months since the last time I've posted here. You can look at the dates yourself but it's around 2.5 weeks. Time is a weird thing.
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