At least, I think that's right. On the whole, of course, I've only had the one but life itself is a cycle. The first two weren't exactly entirely continuous and the route was full of detours and booby traps, but I think it's safe to say I'm finally at a new beginning again. The sun is rising once more over the empire of my happiness. Hopefully this time I've reached my final form as I saunter through re-birth.
It could be that first paragraph was woefully obscure to the casual reader, but there is no other kind of reader when there's years between words. I would apologize, but that's not really my style. Javier Nelson (is allowed to speak in the third person) was born in the second age, an era of equal parts youthful exuberance and naivety. It was a time for dreamers, one without urgency even though the sun moved away shortly after the first clouds appeared.
I've returned to where everything began, and by that I mean my very first life. This time seems charmed so far but everything else just seems a bit smaller than I remember and all the distances are shorter. There's also the matter of returning to sanity while the rest of the world slowly sinks into the curious embrace of madness. I know that siren's call all too well, she's been a constant partner of mine for years but I think it is best that we parted ways. You lot can have her, though I loved her truly.
I'm looking at some of the same things I saw years ago through new eyes. I haven't released my savage soul back into the wilderness, I've merely accepted that it wasn't mine to control in the first place. I'm simply acknowledging that I never had the power to control anything about myself. Those nights spent pretending would have been better spent listening to the wild spirit and letting chaos reign.
I type this now in the biggest office I've ever had because one day I said "Fuck this, I've had enough".
There was a very specific reason I'd hit my limit. It wasn't because I was tired of listening to some asshole tell me about shit I didn't care about at some dead end job. It certainly wasn't because I'd had a series of failed relationships on my resume at that point. It was simply because I was tired.
There's only so much strain any muscle can take. When you stretch your whole being to the limits trying to be someone you're not, you eventually get so exhausted you can't anymore and just let nature take over.
Your hand starts to shake a little bit because you just flooded your system with adrenaline and you're not used to that much life force. Then you remember. You remember, and you just ride that wave. You clench your fists loosely and then straighten your spine and stretch your arms as that warming chill courses out through your arteries. There is no conscious thought as you slyly grin and tell that asshole from earlier, "Hey, kiss my ass" and walk away, never to return.
My inner beast decided that a lot of things weren't right for me. I moved, changed my income stream, exercise habits, drinking, etc. Whole thing. In both of my past lives I'd had periods of extended and extreme happiness. Some might chalk this up as some type of mental disorder. Manic depression came to mind but not being one for medications other than those prescribed by my shaman*, I opted to dig a little further.
The similarities in my periods of happiness were pretty simple: be healthy and laugh as much as you can. The first one is simple but I'll get into it at some other time. The second one is also simple, and I will cover more in depth later but for right now all you need to think about is nothing.
That's what you can control. Nothing. You can't control the world around you no matter how much money you have or power or whatever. And my latest realization is that you shouldn't even try and control yourself.
Just let go. If a thing breaks, laugh. Things can be replaced and they will all eventually break. You should laugh that you almost got mad about it. If someone disappoints you, laugh. Sooner or later they will die and then they won't even be able to do that anymore. If someone you love dies, laugh. Remember why you loved them because you can't make any more memories. Nothing lasts forever, enjoy what you can while you can and remember fondly that which is gone. You will also die sooner or later and then you won't be able to remember anything at all.
*I'm my own shaman.
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