ponies and such

Ronny loved ponies. They were like regular horses, only smaller. This made them naturally more adorable and Ronny would just melt when one of those baby horses would look his way. Those big eyes with that short frame made him weak in the knees.

Kathryn loved Ronny. He was clumsy and never had anything even remotely approaching “grace” in his life. He had a problematic love for ponies, of all things, and he was lanky and homely. To most people, Ronny would have been grossly out of his league with Kathryn. She didn’t care though because his habits and his faults (many they may be) were ultimately what attracted her to hideous Ronny in the first place.

Ronny’s love for ponies recently lost him a job. See, he wasn’t a particularly intelligent man but when it came to repairing an engine, no hands were smarter than Ronny’s. The only problem was that Ronny plastered his work space with pictures of ponies in various poses. He was looked up to for his abilities, looked down on because of his strange fascination with those baby horses.

His coworkers got over Ronny’s horsey love pretty quickly but every once in a while a customer would come in the shop and hassle Ronny about his ponies. They would, at least, question why there were 73 different ponies prancing around an auto shop. Normally this was easy to explain because the owner’s son had some sort of mental disorder and he hung around the shop often after school. A simple shrug and a nod in the kid’s direction quelled most questions about the overabundance of prancing ponies. The poor child took a lot of the pony blame. On the other hand, if Ronny overheard any insults about his beloved ponies, he’d become visibly upset. If anyone trash talked ponies, it felt to Ronny as if they were trash talking him!



See, Ronny always dreamed of having a pony but his parents were kind of poor, like a lot of folks’ parents. Ronny’s older brother, Paul, would torment him mercilessly about the pony issue when they were children. There are just some cruelties that can never be forgotten. Paul was a wicked child, cruel and unjust like a polar wind. He’d fly into Ronny’s happiness and blow it asunder like so much sand blowing across the desert.

For Ronny’s 12th birthday, Paul got all the neighborhood children in on a hoax for Ronny. They all convinced him that their parents got a pony for his birthday, but they didn’t. Paul gave Ronny a bottle of glue that year and he wrote “Snickers” on the side. Whenever re-runs of Mr. Ed came on the television, Paul would joke about how much better regular sized horses were when compared to “those stupid mini critters”. One time, Paul even went as far as to try and sodomize Ronny with a “My Little Pony”.

To his credit, Ronny took none of this abuse lying down. In fact, he rarely took shit from anyone because of the mistreatment he suffered from his older brother when they were children. Paul taught Ronny how to be tough. This strange combination of personality flaws and upbringing came together in a perfect storm of crazy one chilly December day.

A gentleman by the name of Robert, “Bob” to his friends, was having car troubles in addition to the same old life struggles everyone deals with. Bob was in a particularly bad mood that day he stopped by the auto shop to pick up his Trans Am that Ronny was just putting the finishing touches on.

Bob – “I already paid the bill buddy, what’s the hold up??”

Ronny – “Oh hey partner, just another minute and I’ll have you all ready to go!”

Bob – “I don’t have all day, PARDNER!” He emphasized the drawl he’d heard Ronny use. “And what’s with all these fruity pony posters? It looks like a teeny bopper did your interior decorating. It’s actually kind of funny, who’s the ‘mo that likes ponies?”

Ronny – “They’re small horses dude, like nature’s little miracles trotting around. And they’re MY posters, so back off, jerk!”

Bob – Tired of being treated with no respect all day and slightly shocked Ronny actually confessed to the posters and then went on to defend ponies, “They’re yours?!? You must be some kind of retarded or something, grown ass man with ponies prancing ar - -”

It was at this point that Ronny grabbed Bob and shoved him to the ground.

Unfortunately, during Ronny’s rough upbringing, he began to take personal offense at the “retard” insult. It stemmed from a day in high school when Paul made a pony piñata and at lunch, as he swung wildly at the poor little pony, got the entire cafeteria to chant “Ronny’s retarded”. Paul swung until the piñata’s head broke off and red paint spewed forth onto the floor and Ronny’s outstretched arms. It was overly dramatic, everyone agreed, but they also agreed Paul had a flair for showmanship. Ronny’s father just told him that he needed to man-up and get over it.

Ronny leapt onto Bob and began swinging his fists as wildly as he remembered Paul swing at that piñata pony that terrible day in high school. Bob’s face began to change in front of Ronny’s swinging fists, yes, it grew bloodied but it also began to take on the shape of his brother’s face and a sick smile curled its way onto Ronny’s lips. Tom Petty’s “Breakdown” that was playing on the garage radio began to morph into the echo of Paul’s hyena-like laughter and a faint “Ronny’s retarded” chant. Ronny’s pony lust finally overcame him and he lost all control. The built up anger and frustration burst forth with all the force of a broken dam, gushing right into the face of this witless stranger, Bob.

Ronny later was pulled from the unfortunate patron but only after inflicting years worth of pain on his face. The rest of the day the crew spent filling out police reports and a pink slip. The shop owner rightfully assumed Ronny’s big bucking debacle was probably just a warning that angry Ronny might rear himself up again and attack someone else. The pony posters came down and Ronny was escorted from the premises. Dejected and broken, Ronny paid his fines and accepted the denial letter from unemployment, he tried finding work elsewhere but word had gotten out that he was a crazed pony lover and couldn’t be trusted.

Though Kathryn loved Ronny, she couldn’t bear to see him languishing in his misery around their apartment any longer. One day she came home to find him in his underwear with a pony saddle strapped to his back prancing around the living room with oats spilled all over the floor. He hadn’t showered in days and all he’d eaten for the past few weeks was sugar cubes and oatmeal. Kathryn helped Ronny get cleaned up and put to bed and she vowed to fix this. Her love would see the pair of them through those most desperate times.

The next day Kathryn called everyone she knew. She took the day off work and culled through the yellow pages, newspapers and even the local auto deal rags. Her tireless effort struck gold late that afternoon and she went straight home to tell Ronny the good news. Kathryn and Ronny were so excited over the news that they celebrated with an entire box of wine! Ronny put his saddle in the closet the next morning as he crawled out of bed to head to his new job at the petting zoo!

There were a total of four ponies (plus the various assorted other critters) at Mad Mel’s Mad Petting Zoo-a-palooza and even though he’d received no formal training with pony care, Ronny was the best thing to happen to Mad Mel since he started the business over 40 years ago. Consequently, it was with a heavy heart and a tear in his eye that Mel called Kathryn the next week to inform her of the accident. Ronny died because he got the ponies too excited about the bucket of fresh clover he’d just picked and they trampled him to death.