hood with the fur

Dearest [redacted],

I’ve been watching you for a very long time. Well, not always me personally, but you’ve been watched by myself or one of my “team” your entire life. Keep in mind that life, to me, starts after your egress from your mother’s nether regions. I don’t get down with that kind of messy situation. I probably should because it’s kind of what I do but when my old lady popped a critter out, she made me be there and I did pretty well until the slimy bugger got too close and I vomited on it. In itself, this wasn’t a terribly traumatic event, now the aftermath of blood and guts and bile made the inside of the hospital room look like someone had bombed the slaughterhouse. It was like the devil’s wet dream.

At any rate, once you got all cleaned up from tromping down your mother’s lady tube, that’s when I come in to the picture, your “always-voyeur.” I see you when you’re sleeping, I actually watch you most then because I can slowly satisfy myself whereas when you’re awake you’ll often do something to “soften the blow”, so to speak. What my team does to themselves while watching you, I can’t even imagine. I’m pretty sure that Sven, the elf, is into the butt play pretty hard so your guess is as good as mine. That reminds me, if you’re ever here in my neck of the woods, no matter what he says do NOT take your pants off around Rudolph. See, he’s got no fingers or thumbs and consequently can’t work a button or zipper or belt. I rock all three because of one drunken night a few years back when I accepted an invite to a rousing game of strip poker. Blitzen, Cupid, Rudolph, and I were playing for a few hours. They would cut off some tufts of fur whenever they lost a hand and my magic tended to give me the advantage so I was winning for a while, until the drank started to set in. I lost a few in a row until I was down to my knickers. Cupid and Blitzen said they needed to hit the little deer room and got up to leave. After the door shut, I heard two quick clicks. First was the lock on the door and next were the lights in the room. Next thing I knew I was being mounted like a Picasso painting. Arms pinned to the wall by a pair of fiendishly sharp hooves, pants gone off to god knows where at this point. All I really remember was terror and a pulsing red light which flickered until it’s glow eventually saturated the whole room and I finally blacked out.



I awoke the next day to a mess of blood and guts and bile and the intense foreboding feeling of violation. Something fundamental was taken from me that night. Rudolph’s behavior is why none of us can fucking stand him, that’s why we often won’t let him in on our games, fucking rapist. There’s no bigotry here about the red nose, just the rapes. Mrs. Claus is basically a freak nasty slut and she once got sloppy fall down fucked up and offered it up to the red-nosed rapist, he saw she was willing and couldn’t get it up. What a sick fuck, but then again Sven, the elf, he’s the sickest little bastard in this hemisphere prancing around in his loose fitting short shorts, in the north-pole even!

I got a little side-tracked for a moment but I’m basically just sending you this letter to let you know we’re watching. We’re keeping track and we’re judging. We never judge too harshly around here because we’re all basically degenerate scumbags, but we do judge. Hey, you try living in the north-pole for nearly 2000 years and not de-evolving into degeneracy.

Bit of back story at this point: see, folks used to call me “Jesus”, then they killed me. It was pretty shitty. I ended up taking off to go see the world and be alone for a while. It took some time but I eventually settled up here. We all do, sooner or later. Anyhow, I got old and started watching people. It’s loads of fun and I have the chance to creep and peep whenever I’d like!

This year for Christmas (AKA my motherfucking birthday!) I’d heard you wanted a jet-ski! Well, guess what? You ain’t getting no motherfucking jet-skis. It’s my birthday and I’ve never once given out a single gift on my own damn birthday. It’s all an elaborate hoax, except the bit about me watching you. That part about the coal in your stocking is also 100% true though, I went through this phase when I thought it was hilarious to sneak in folks houses and give them coal. Not that funny, right? Wrong. Each piece of coal had at one point been lodged INSIDE a reindeer, Rudolph, if I remember correctly. Well, now, that actually explains a lot now that I think about it.

Oh well, one love.

Santa Claus AKA Big Baby Jesus AKA The Northland Pimp