“Yes, it was a dreadful thing to do, but she had very thick ankles.” – Oscar Wilde
This month is dragging ever so slowly and it’s already rife with unpleasantries and general nastiness all around. Nearly my entire second paycheck this month will be going to my mechanic. Naturally, when it rains, it pours and the perfect storm of car problems coalesced during one of the only pay periods I’d set aside for no bills, just fun. My entertainment budget for the second half of October was going to be out of this world! This basically meant I could afford to eat out, and not the free kind. Luckily, I’m a forward thinking individual and I purchased a used copy of the Sims 3 to pass the time. I got it on the cheap and my hopes were high, feel me?
I’ve got a few characters already established with full histories and futures and dreams and such, for instance, Hans. He takes taxis everywhere and attends classes whenever they’re available and once a week he goes to the local bookstore to collect his rent check and buy his books on the cheap. Hans has a teenage daughter and she’s pretty precocious. She sometimes gets out of hand when she stays out way past curfew but I have to cut her some slack because the time in that game is seventeen different kinds of confusing and 4 kinds of fucked up. Larissa does well in school and I’m pretty sure she’s banging the quarterback of her high school’s football team. She must have gotten that sluttiness from her mother, god rest her soul. As soon as Larissa is old enough I’m going to make her go to the police academy for a career in law enforcement.
Larissa hates Hans’s current beau. Her name is Bonnie and she is actually enrolled in criminology classes at the local institute for crime. She’s on a fast track to becoming a master thief and often brings me presents she stole during her work day. Last night she brought me a beautiful old-timey spin globe. I put it in our bedroom; it really ties the room together.
A lot of the free time I have in the game is spent flirting with the ladies around town because I’m working on Hans’s charisma skill. Aside from reading how-to books on the subject or attending a charisma class, flirting is the best way to gain more of those elusive skill points (well any type of friend making really, but Bonnie is at work like every day and Hans has a lot of free time to pursue these things). Whatever, don’t judge him.
These three characters form the basis of my Sims family but during my trial run I realized that it’s difficult to live on a single income in Sim world. Also, in Sim world, you’ve got to pay bills. My first venture was not very successful, I think I got evicted. Either eviction or I became hopelessly lost, so the second time around I “rented” the spare room to two business women; Tina and Trisha or something. They both started working on the same day in the coffee shop of the town’s largest corporation and have both received two promotions already! A promotion for them is a promotion for me because they’re not really “renting”, I’m basically just taking their paychecks and spending it on computers, books, music lessons and the constant redecorating I’ve been doing to the apartment. The extra income they bring in allows me the financial independence to go out and thoroughly enjoy the culture and sights and sounds of Sims Town. The additional money also allows Hans to pursue his own interests.
Hans, as it turns out, isn’t a bad fisherman. On his first trip out to the old pond by the cemetery (near the Crime Institute), he caught tons of gold fish and minnows and was able to sell them for like 60 dollars. I’ll be honest though, they’re obviously not “real” dollars but I’m not so sure they’re even called “dollars” in the game. Simeoleons or something, something fucking stupid that sounds like a lizard anyhow. Also, I say he’s not a bad fisherman but realistically I have no idea, I kind of forgot he was fishing for a while and started doing something else and only realized he had a full catch when the option to sell his catch came up later. Minnows and goldfish, heard?
Speaking of lizards, there’s a 6th house mate that’s about as useless as tits on a bull. This bitch just sits around the house all day cock-blocking Hans in the living room because she never leaves. From what I can tell she just lounges around all day and reads books about gardening but there’s no garden anywhere to be found. No fresh fruits, no fresh vegetables, just a fresh bitch loafing around the house. I thought she was all right for the first couple of days because her incessant reading was quickly increasing her gardening abilities while Hans was able to go out and be a man about town, strutting his stuff and hollering at them Sim sluts. I figured while Hans was about town, Gretchen would be somewhere planting and weeding and watering and working hard to offset the cost of some of the groceries. Well, after I had Hans take a few classes in handymannery and he subsequently began spending more time around the house improving things and fixing the perpetually leaking toilet, I realized that bitch did nothing but watch television, sleep and read her fucking gardening books. Gretchen is the absolute worst kind of day laborer/gardener though, to her credit, the dishes, sink and table that Hans always leaves his dirty dishes on are always cleaned up whenever he gets home from a hard day exploring Sim town and pimpin bitches. Regardless, the point is that this Gretchen had better get some act-right or I’m going to murder her and throw her in the pond by the cemetery. If that’s impossible then I will have Hans make her cry.
The two business ladies that live with the gang are always dressed very similar and I’ll be the first to admit I constantly get them confused and I’m simply awful trying to differentiate between alliterative names, let alone a pair of computer game girls that dress alike and live in the same computer game house. The point I’m getting to here is that you can learn a lot from the Sims. When Bonnie the criminal wasn’t home, Hans would naturally hit on whatever women were around, for the charisma points, obviously. Well, it wasn’t just one of the business ladies, but both, that took a fancy to Hans and developed some amorous feelings that were totally unreciprocated, unless he was bored. One of the T-girls (I laughed out loud when I typed that) slapped Hans right in the face because he was making out with the criminal broad in the kitchen one night. The T-girls were chatting amongst themselves nearby and Larissa was doing something at the table and the next thing I know there’s all kinds of red things blinking over one of the T-girls’ heads and then the game actually made me agree to “Get Slapped” and boy howdy! What a slap. Whichever of those bitches slapped Hans is a right proper cunt because it’s not like he asked anyone to “Go Steady”. Catty bitches.
OH! My first girlfriend died. I met her the first day when there were all manner of achievements to be had by attempting to bed the find young lady. Her name was Kara or Tara and she lived entirely too far away for Hans to visit so I would page her to meet him at various places but since she lived so far away it seemed to take too long and Hans would invariably start chatting up someone else while waiting for her to arrive, naturally. She was only really around a couple of times because Hans moves quickly and never lingers too long. In his native land, Hans was always told that if you linger too long people will begin to think of you as a venereal disease. It’s an old Danish saying and apparently some of its gusto is lost in translation. “Hurdy burdy durdy yurdle” is the phrase in the original Dutch. Anyways, Tara or Kara was a hippy chick and I think she was only interested in Hans because he took music lessons and they met outside of the art gallery. Art-grubbing whore.
I’m largely uninitiated in the world of Sims and my initial reaction is one of fascination and wanderlust and infinite possibilities. I hope someday Hans will marry the world’s greatest criminal and she’ll steal him stuff like the actual statue of liberty instead of a model she swiped from the check-out line at the local grocery store. Hans’s child, Larissa, will hopefully become a decorated police officer only to fall from grace and into the cantankerous embrace of prostitution and a life on the mean streets of Sim town. The gardener will hopefully get off her lazy ass and grow some fucking tomatoes or I’ll send her to the army. There’s a military career choice and she’ll soar to new heights of greatness in the armed services only to fall on hard times and have to sell fish for a living down by the docks. Hans, of course, will continue his life of leisure and maybe someday become a prolific writer the likes of which the Sim world has never seen. Apparently he’ll be a science fiction writer though because it seems to pay the best and that’s where all the real royalties money lies.
Oh, I also built a moat (of sorts) around the house because some fucker stole my couch in the middle of the night. Once I figure out how to build a drawbridge that shit won’t ever happen again. Also, the Sims is racist because the dude that stole the TV was definitely black. Also, I’m merely stereotyping when I build a moat for protection because black people can’t swim.
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