simply killing time until i kill again.

“Yes, it was a dreadful thing to do, but she had very thick ankles.” – Oscar Wilde

This month is dragging ever so slowly and it’s already rife with unpleasantries and general nastiness all around. Nearly my entire second paycheck this month will be going to my mechanic. Naturally, when it rains, it pours and the perfect storm of car problems coalesced during one of the only pay periods I’d set aside for no bills, just fun. My entertainment budget for the second half of October was going to be out of this world! This basically meant I could afford to eat out, and not the free kind. Luckily, I’m a forward thinking individual and I purchased a used copy of the Sims 3 to pass the time. I got it on the cheap and my hopes were high, feel me?

I’ve got a few characters already established with full histories and futures and dreams and such, for instance, Hans. He takes taxis everywhere and attends classes whenever they’re available and once a week he goes to the local bookstore to collect his rent check and buy his books on the cheap. Hans has a teenage daughter and she’s pretty precocious. She sometimes gets out of hand when she stays out way past curfew but I have to cut her some slack because the time in that game is seventeen different kinds of confusing and 4 kinds of fucked up. Larissa does well in school and I’m pretty sure she’s banging the quarterback of her high school’s football team. She must have gotten that sluttiness from her mother, god rest her soul. As soon as Larissa is old enough I’m going to make her go to the police academy for a career in law enforcement.

Larissa hates Hans’s current beau. Her name is Bonnie and she is actually enrolled in criminology classes at the local institute for crime. She’s on a fast track to becoming a master thief and often brings me presents she stole during her work day. Last night she brought me a beautiful old-timey spin globe. I put it in our bedroom; it really ties the room together.

A lot of the free time I have in the game is spent flirting with the ladies around town because I’m working on Hans’s charisma skill. Aside from reading how-to books on the subject or attending a charisma class, flirting is the best way to gain more of those elusive skill points (well any type of friend making really, but Bonnie is at work like every day and Hans has a lot of free time to pursue these things). Whatever, don’t judge him.

These three characters form the basis of my Sims family but during my trial run I realized that it’s difficult to live on a single income in Sim world. Also, in Sim world, you’ve got to pay bills. My first venture was not very successful, I think I got evicted. Either eviction or I became hopelessly lost, so the second time around I “rented” the spare room to two business women; Tina and Trisha or something. They both started working on the same day in the coffee shop of the town’s largest corporation and have both received two promotions already! A promotion for them is a promotion for me because they’re not really “renting”, I’m basically just taking their paychecks and spending it on computers, books, music lessons and the constant redecorating I’ve been doing to the apartment. The extra income they bring in allows me the financial independence to go out and thoroughly enjoy the culture and sights and sounds of Sims Town. The additional money also allows Hans to pursue his own interests.

Hans, as it turns out, isn’t a bad fisherman. On his first trip out to the old pond by the cemetery (near the Crime Institute), he caught tons of gold fish and minnows and was able to sell them for like 60 dollars. I’ll be honest though, they’re obviously not “real” dollars but I’m not so sure they’re even called “dollars” in the game. Simeoleons or something, something fucking stupid that sounds like a lizard anyhow. Also, I say he’s not a bad fisherman but realistically I have no idea, I kind of forgot he was fishing for a while and started doing something else and only realized he had a full catch when the option to sell his catch came up later. Minnows and goldfish, heard?

Speaking of lizards, there’s a 6th house mate that’s about as useless as tits on a bull. This bitch just sits around the house all day cock-blocking Hans in the living room because she never leaves. From what I can tell she just lounges around all day and reads books about gardening but there’s no garden anywhere to be found. No fresh fruits, no fresh vegetables, just a fresh bitch loafing around the house. I thought she was all right for the first couple of days because her incessant reading was quickly increasing her gardening abilities while Hans was able to go out and be a man about town, strutting his stuff and hollering at them Sim sluts. I figured while Hans was about town, Gretchen would be somewhere planting and weeding and watering and working hard to offset the cost of some of the groceries. Well, after I had Hans take a few classes in handymannery and he subsequently began spending more time around the house improving things and fixing the perpetually leaking toilet, I realized that bitch did nothing but watch television, sleep and read her fucking gardening books. Gretchen is the absolute worst kind of day laborer/gardener though, to her credit, the dishes, sink and table that Hans always leaves his dirty dishes on are always cleaned up whenever he gets home from a hard day exploring Sim town and pimpin bitches. Regardless, the point is that this Gretchen had better get some act-right or I’m going to murder her and throw her in the pond by the cemetery. If that’s impossible then I will have Hans make her cry.

The two business ladies that live with the gang are always dressed very similar and I’ll be the first to admit I constantly get them confused and I’m simply awful trying to differentiate between alliterative names, let alone a pair of computer game girls that dress alike and live in the same computer game house. The point I’m getting to here is that you can learn a lot from the Sims. When Bonnie the criminal wasn’t home, Hans would naturally hit on whatever women were around, for the charisma points, obviously. Well, it wasn’t just one of the business ladies, but both, that took a fancy to Hans and developed some amorous feelings that were totally unreciprocated, unless he was bored. One of the T-girls (I laughed out loud when I typed that) slapped Hans right in the face because he was making out with the criminal broad in the kitchen one night. The T-girls were chatting amongst themselves nearby and Larissa was doing something at the table and the next thing I know there’s all kinds of red things blinking over one of the T-girls’ heads and then the game actually made me agree to “Get Slapped” and boy howdy! What a slap. Whichever of those bitches slapped Hans is a right proper cunt because it’s not like he asked anyone to “Go Steady”. Catty bitches.

OH! My first girlfriend died. I met her the first day when there were all manner of achievements to be had by attempting to bed the find young lady. Her name was Kara or Tara and she lived entirely too far away for Hans to visit so I would page her to meet him at various places but since she lived so far away it seemed to take too long and Hans would invariably start chatting up someone else while waiting for her to arrive, naturally. She was only really around a couple of times because Hans moves quickly and never lingers too long. In his native land, Hans was always told that if you linger too long people will begin to think of you as a venereal disease. It’s an old Danish saying and apparently some of its gusto is lost in translation. “Hurdy burdy durdy yurdle” is the phrase in the original Dutch. Anyways, Tara or Kara was a hippy chick and I think she was only interested in Hans because he took music lessons and they met outside of the art gallery. Art-grubbing whore.

I’m largely uninitiated in the world of Sims and my initial reaction is one of fascination and wanderlust and infinite possibilities. I hope someday Hans will marry the world’s greatest criminal and she’ll steal him stuff like the actual statue of liberty instead of a model she swiped from the check-out line at the local grocery store. Hans’s child, Larissa, will hopefully become a decorated police officer only to fall from grace and into the cantankerous embrace of prostitution and a life on the mean streets of Sim town. The gardener will hopefully get off her lazy ass and grow some fucking tomatoes or I’ll send her to the army. There’s a military career choice and she’ll soar to new heights of greatness in the armed services only to fall on hard times and have to sell fish for a living down by the docks. Hans, of course, will continue his life of leisure and maybe someday become a prolific writer the likes of which the Sim world has never seen. Apparently he’ll be a science fiction writer though because it seems to pay the best and that’s where all the real royalties money lies.

Oh, I also built a moat (of sorts) around the house because some fucker stole my couch in the middle of the night. Once I figure out how to build a drawbridge that shit won’t ever happen again. Also, the Sims is racist because the dude that stole the TV was definitely black. Also, I’m merely stereotyping when I build a moat for protection because black people can’t swim.

the binge drinking commenced (the julie chronicles pt 2)

part 2...
I stepped out of the shower and couldn't find a towel. In my haste to get in, I didn't bother to check for any. It was already on track, but as the cold air got to me on my trip across the hall I knew it was going to be one of those mornings.

As I creeped to the top of the stairs I heard the radio in the kitchen blaring some indie band I'd never heard and probably wouldn't ever hear again. Yes, I was trying to verify my earlier notion that Julie was my breakfast bandit, and that was just the kind of music she liked to listen to.

I went back in my room and started to get dressed. I sat down on the bed to pull on my socks and started thinking again.

======

It was about a week after our initial meeting that I stopped to sit and enjoy the day on a bench on campus. I was living about a half mile away and rather than head back to my apartment for an hour, I killed it bumming around. I tried to schedule my classes back to back so I didn't have all that time to waste, but I decided it was better to take a class I liked instead of another in-depth look at the intricacies of the ancient romans or the medical history of 19th century Russia.

"Can I bum a cigarette?"

I was startled back from my daydreaming by a familiar voice. Julie was wearing a hat slung low over her face and I didn't recognize her immediately.

Her - "And I'll even smoke it with you"
Me - "Good, you better. Hey sorry I had to cancel the other day, I really needed to finish that paper. Trying to be a good student and all."
Her - "It's not a big deal. I was better off not going out that night anyways. Uhhm, do you still want to do something?"
Me - "Definitely, let's say tomorrow night, or no, Wednesday night. ... We'll get fucked up and burn down this town?"
Her - "Ok, sounds great." (she wasn't as enthusiastic as her words would lead one to believe)

We eventually worked out the plans to head down to a bar that had their special billed as "Penny Pitchers." Pay a cover and drink all you can for two hours until the special is over. One bartender actually required a penny per pitcher, but most just refilled your pitcher for free. I told her a few sordid tales of the seedier side to my experiences there and she didn't seem to mind. I, of course, glazed over some of the grittier aspects of my misadventures involving large amounts of alcohol at basement bottom prices, but she wasn't phased by what she heard. It was good.

We chatted for a while longer until it was time to head our separate ways as my 3 o'clock was quickly approaching. I remember sitting in that class that day and staring out the window thinking of how great this girl seemed. She was cute, she was fun, and best of all she seemed to be into the same types of activities I was interested in. I was glad it was mostly a lecture that day in class as I had some time to organize my thoughts.



That gladness turned quickly to anxiety as some of my neurosis started to kick in. I imagined we'd get to this bar and she'd find some of her friends and blow me off. I'd get inhumanly drunk after that and cause a scene, as was my habit when things didn't go my way. I thought of how she might turn out to be a raging drunk that couldn't handle her alcohol, she'd throw up all over me and I'd get pissed because she ruined my new sweaties. Another possibility I foresaw was one in which we ran into any number of people that I know. Forced introductions are never a good thing to deal with on a first outing. I tried to block these scenarios from rising in my mind, but once they started, the floodgates opened wide.

I was glad when the professor told us "Blah blah blah, see you on Wednesday" as it gave me something to think about that wasn't an unlikely scenario combining all of the most notable parts of every bad date in a bar I'd ever had. I knew that a bar probably wasn't the best place to take a girl to, but I firmly adhered to the idea that crowded places were good because they offered a distraction if the conversation got dull. Nothing bored me more than dull conversation, and nothing was worse than being trapped in a situation where it couldn't be avoided.

I went home after class and fucked around for the rest of the afternoon. My roommate John came back later that night and informed me that we were all going to the bar that Wednesday. I didn't bother to tell him that I already had plans to do just that. I hoped that I could avoid the awkward conversation resulting from my plan to take a girl to a bar on our first date. Turned out that I couldn't, the next day as I stood in the living room trying to explain how I'd be there but I wasn't planning on getting "buckwild," John started to get mad at me.

Him - "So you're saying that you're going to the bar but you're not going to drink a lot and you're going to try and hang out with some cunt instead of me and Derek?"
Me - "Man, fuck. I made these plans before you said anything about this. Don't try and put blame on me because you're being an asshole."
Him - "What? I told you yesterday. You didn't seem un-enthused then, now you're acting like a twat-waffle. We're going down, and we're going to have a good time. You're being a stupid fuck. What kind of a degenerate takes a girl on a date to penny fucking pitchers?"
Me - "No man, not happening. My plans are my plans and that's final."

As I was driving to pick Julie up the next day, I figured I had better call her and let her know I was almost there. "Hey... Yeah, almost at your place now. Hey look, I uhh... I got my roommates with me, they're coming too. ... Yeah. Yeah, all right, like 2 minutes. See you." It builds character, I remember telling myself. It's an exercise in character building and it's a great opportunity to test Julie to see how well she gets along with my friends. A little early for this kind of test, all right, sure. The test was being administered that night regardless of timing. Rationalizing the change of events in my mind, I picked her up and John was nice enough to make her ride in the back.

Julie impressed me by taking care of the introductions herself. Turns out she had a class with Derek, so they chatted for the short trip down to the bar. Everyone got in just fine and we found a table in a corner and patiently awaited the slowly moving arm on the clock above the bar to turn ten. As was our custom, my housemates and I went up and got two pitchers apiece. With 6 pitchers on the table, realistically speaking, Julie didn't need to get her own pitcher. I told her to get the cups and the binge drinking commenced.

I can't be sure, but I think it was the feminine member of our group that changed the dynamic. Like a couple of kids in the schoolyard, each of us kept trying to out-drink the other. There were no spoken words stating how far ahead John was getting, or how far behind Derek was, but we all knew that there was a definite leader. Exchanging glances in between conversation and slamming the cups down on the table as we finished each was a sure way to start a drinking race under most circumstances. As I felt it wouldn't paint an accurate portrait of exactly who I am, I held back. I didn't want to get shitty just because of the posturing of my friends. The green flag was thrown for the race but no one ever shouted "go."

So it was this precarious balance I was maintaining between fighting for my spot as the alpha male by drinking my friends under the table and trying to pretend I was normal in front of this girl that I wanted. Julie offered to get the next round and with a quick rise, I got up to help. We walked over to the crowded bar and I pushed my way to the front and handed back a pair of pitchers to Julie, but on our way back she stopped and started talking to a group of her friends. I realized that she knew they were there the whole time. I had a suspicion that her original plans for the evening were to do the same thing only with this different group of people. Sneaky, she was more clever than I gave her credit for. I took my pitchers back to our table and went to find out what was taking Julie so long, even though it hadn't been but a few minutes. I figured that she would be a while as the girls she was talking to all knew her, so I wanted to get back to that table to see if I couldn't glean some useful information from her friends. She introduced me to everyone with no problems and then the table got quiet. These bitches were talking about me, or so it seemed.

Back at our table the evening continued as before but I started noticing some of the details I'd been missing all night so far. Julie was drinking quite a bit, I should have known though, because she was a bit wobbly by the time she got back to sit down. The other detail I was missing, but shouldn't have been, was that John was bombed. Midnight came and went, the special was over, but we weren't all the way done just yet.

Things got blurry but I remembered clearly ordering a pair of jager bombs as we were about to leave. Downing her drink, I knew Jules was the coolest girl that I'd met in a long time and she was as clearly interested in me as I was in her. Derek drove my car home that night, but the sneaky fucker didn't bother to stop at Julie's place on the way. This was probably a good idea because John was passed out in the passenger seat. Her and I were sitting in the backseat when we realized that we were parked in front of my apartment.

Me - "I should be fine to take you home."
Her - "Yeah, all right. Do that."
Me - (as we both got into the front of the car) "See you fuckers in a bit."

I drove her the mile or so to her place and put the car in park as I leaned over to kiss this wonderful girl a goodnight. The next thing I knew, I'm back at my place being woken up by the sun shining in my window to Jules' smiling face next to me. Yeah, I liked this girl.

to be continued...