misquotes are hard to spot

The internet is a very dangerous place. You can get cyber-bullied or murdered online by the violent roving gangs of government agents or social justice warriors or pedophiles. Below you can find a few selected images I've chosen to illustrate how easy it is to be fooled. There are some images with words that are perhaps slightly misleading mixed amongst the factual images as well.

Misquote/mis-representation/real? You decide.

 

(Zach Braff on abortion)

 (Chewbacca on feminism)

("Super" Mario on organized crime)

(Family Circus on morality)

(Barack Obama on race relations)

(Albus Dumbledore on overcoming adversity)

(Unknown Grandmother on coping with dementia)

(Han Solo on life on his homeworld of Serenity)

(Bertrand Russell on the popular board game Sorry!)

(Larry David on politics)

(Abraham Lincoln on courage)

(Mark Twain on drugs)

an evil wizard with a magic stick...

...approaches dressed strangely in an orange vest. In his hand is a metal staff that holds the power of the gods. He unleashes it in your direction and you wince. You're confused but instinct kicks in and you start to run from the noise. There's a warmth in your shoulder suddenly swelling into a blaze of searing pain. You stumble but continue running away, fear now driving your every move. Fear now making you forget nearly everything other than get away, get back to your den to safety! It is starting to hurt when as you breathe when you hear the thunder go off once more before you finally heave into the ground.

The wizard approaches slowly. He notices you're still alive, still holding out, and raises his staff at you. The wizard lets loose the thunder before everything fades to black.

You're a bear. The wizard was a hunter. The staff was a gun and a hunter just killed you. All you were after was a bit of the whatever was giving off those alluringly sweet scents that compelled you into that luckless clearing. It was the most delicious meal you'd ever tasted and you consumed your bounty greedily, unaware of the hunter watching from nearby. He must have camouflaged the vile smell of blood-lust in his heart as he lay waiting for you to enjoy your last meal.

The bloodthirsty hunter that made an orphan of your cubs had the decency to at least let you enjoy a bar of sweet chocolate before he ended your life as surely as he ended the poor cubs back in your den. You had only gone out to get whatever it was so sweet smelling because you knew it would give you the energy to get your cubs through the winter. Now they'll die a worse death than you at the hands of that savage that was only looking to mount your head on his basement wall.

That hunter had more decency than the New Hampshire Fish and Game Commission. They voted recently to ban the hunters of their state from using chocolate as bear bait.

Bears love chocolate. Bears love all sweet things. Bears especially love honey*.


What will the New Hampshire Fish and Game Commission ban next? Honey? Bear snacks?

* Or "Hunny"

the big secret

Sometimes people look at me and ask "Hey man, what's the big secret?"

I lean back some, think it over.

I look down and then make eye contact and never break it. It lets me know if this is a serious question and demands seriousness in response.

I'll often raise my hand some, as if to say something. But, then I don't.

I ask them "You want to know about the BIG secret, eh? Reckon you're ready for that type of thing?"

Invariably, they say "Sure mister, I really do!" or something similar.



I continue staring some and then I eventually take a deep breath and tilt my head to the side. I lean in and say "Well, the BIG secret is that there is no secret, but you really shouldn't tell anybody"

Solomon I

The moon rose early in the evening sky. A wind was beginning to swirl and it pushed the falling snow back at Solomon's face. He looked up and saw the strangely colored lights he'd been pursuing was only intensifying with the waning light.

Winded, Solomon looked quickly back down the hill he'd just climbed and then turned to get a better look at the eastern horizon. He saw the lights unobstructed now and could tell they were the result of the meteors he could see falling. The meteor's streaks grew and swirled back in on themselves creating a sight unlike Solomon had ever seen before. It's beautiful, he thought, as the sun set and the blues and purples and reds of the streaks left behind by the shooting stars stood in stark contrast to the lunar glow above and the deepening orange of the setting sun behind.

Solomon only thought to turn away and look back again when he realized the orange of the sun had given way to purple and finally, to darkening twilight.  

How long have I been standing here? It was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen but the lightning of the mountains isn't supposed to be visible this far south and that is far too bright... Solomon grimaced.

As Solomon shook his head and the snow fell from his cloak, he shivered. He still couldn't be sure how long he'd been staring and the lights in the eastern sky were only intensifying as the darkness grew. It's far too cold for this time of the season and I don't want to go back so soon, but ... 

Solomon turned and headed back down the trail. He remembered it being far less treacherous on the way up but there was also more than the light of the moon and the odd lights in the distance to guide him on the climb.

When at last he reached the bottom he looked back up the hill and saw the colors were finally beginning to fade. His brow furrowed, Solomon turned back towards town and pulled his hood over his head as he picked his way back towards his cottage. He wanted to re-read his old copy of The Heavens Above to see if there was any reference to such a wondrous display of natural beauty.

On second thought, I should go see if anyone else witnessed that otherworldly meteor shower. He turned left at the fork in the trail and quickened his pace as the surroundings became more familiar. He was able to hear the clamor from the tavern long before he saw the lights from the windows and the comforting smile of "Olde Redd" staring back at him from the wooden sign above the door.

Solomon was certain he'd made the right decision when he saw that nearly the whole town had witnessed the lights. When he opened the door, however, he was just as certain he'd made the wrong decision.