choking d**** and murdering tricks

"Murder’s out of tune,
And sweet revenge grows harsh."

~ William Shakespeare (Othello)

Jack the Ripper was identified. After 126 years, the victims' families can finally get the closure they deserve. Or rather, the countless authors that have written on the subject of this mystery "ripper" can finally publish that epilogue chapter they've been dying to get to since that first edition.

This is great news for amateur detectives and armchair investigators but to the average fellow it means very little. To the serially criminal fellow though, it means that any schmuck with some money and a bit of ingenuity can join in on the hunt for your "red october"*. However, the authorities would most likely limit the available caseload that can be worked by any old asshole to those "unsolved mysteries" or "cold cases" that gather dust in evidence rooms across the world. Basically, if a crime was just committed then it's the police that will be doing the policing instead of "Arnold the Auctioner"** who won an auction for some murder memorabilia who then called his friend "Donald the Doctor"*** to do some "science".

DNA evidence in the 126 year old murder case of Jack the Ripper has brought about a resolution to the caper though there will probably be no convictions on the matter as dear "Jack" was actually an insane hairdresser and likely mentally unfit to stand trial even if he were still alive. Aaron Kosminski, also known as "Jack the Ripper", was a Polish immigrant that butchered some prostitutes in London in the late 19th century. Also, he was a chronic masturbator.**** This is where a joke about polish people could go but there's nothing to joke about here because it seems like dear "Jack" was really just in it to win it: choking dicks and murdering tricks. Kosminski is one of the greatest serial killers to ever pick up a blade. He lived a long life (for the time) and died of gangrene in a lunatic asylum after butchering whores and scaring the shit out of everyone that lived in one of the world's largest cities (at the time). If there were ever a poster child/boy/man for "successful serial killers", Aaron Kosminski is assuredly that man-child.

So, what does this all mean to the aspiring serial killer today? If a 126 year old "cold case" can come up gangbusters because of some old semen, what about more recent murders? What about more recent murders involving semen? DNA is the greatest enemy in the serial killer's extensive list of enemies (nosy neighbors, smart police, savvy detectives, witnesses, etc) and here is further proof of the power this particular foe wields against the would-be murderer. However, hopeful serial killers need not fret overly so because there is still a string of unsolved serial killings and uncaught murderer idols out there to offer hope to the weary. Next time you find yourself hesitating with blade in hand, think of the killers out there still "at large" or "free to kill again" like the "Zodiac killer" or the "Mad Butcher of Kingsbury Run" or even the "Frankford Slasher" and just go ahead and sink that blade in deep so you can finally find that sweet release.

*"October" is the name of your blade and "red" means it's covered in blood, in this particular metaphor.

**Russell Edwards, "businessman", 48 years old

***Doctor Jari Louhelanain, "doctor", unknown age

****"Kosminski has always been one of the three most credible suspects. He is often described as having been a hairdresser in Whitechapel, the occupation written on his admission papers to the workhouse in 1890. What is certain is he was seriously mentally ill, probably a paranoid schizophrenic who suffered auditory hallucinations and described as a misogynist prone to ‘self-abuse’ – a euphemism for masturbation." - serially killing that dick