Monday, September 29, 2014

lost art of the mixtape (part 1*)

"And if I want to find the song 'Landslide' by Fleetwood Mac I have to remember that I bought it for someone in the fall of 1983 pile, but didn't give it to them for personal reasons." ~ High Fidelity

Sitting by the radio, finger poised over the "REC" button with a growing bitterness for DJs that don't announce the song before they play it has a special spot in the annals of mating rutuals before the invention of the compact discs, MP3s, and playlists. Even after the invention of these epic game-changers, the mixtape maintained its lofty position amongst the courtship rituals of the youth. Only now, instead of sitting around the stereo waiting and wishing for the next song on their mixtape to blare across the airwaves, eager young Romeos and Juliets can simply point, click, download, and send. It doesn't matter if the mixtape is recorded on an actual "tape", it's the organization of the tracks that really bring about that "mixtape madness".

Courtship today can be as simple as "swipe right" and "how you doin'?" but one intrepid man in Alabama has decided to re-visit the ancient tradition of the mixtape (on actual cassette) with the hope to win his wife back. However, his mixtape was so explosively romantic as to require the bomb squad to give it a first listen. The reason the authorities were called in to investigate this particular mixtape mix-up was almost certainly due to the fact that he used 1980s technology (the cassette) to show his 2010s love (blurred lines-style).

*Part 2 will be an actual mixtape, the form of which is as yet to be determined.

Thursday, September 18, 2014

perverts in pedagoguery*

“I've been things and seen places.”
~Mae West
 
"When's the last time you got some mouth action on your genitals?" is the kind of question one might ask a friend after a few rounds at the local alcoholery. "Lay any good pipe recently?" is the kind posed to plumbers or by sex-starved boys/men** to one another (but only when there's no women around). Additionally, these types of queries would probably be acceptable at higher learning institutions but they'd be cleverly disguised under topics such as "sexual studies", "humanities", "social science" or some such similar nonsense.
 
Asking invasive, personal questions about students' sex lives is normally reserved for the students to ask one another when they wake up next to each other the morning after a wild evening. Even then it's always pretty tame with queries like "What's your name again?" or "Did we use a condom?" or "Do you have any STDs I should know about?"*** Consequently, when posed similar questions during a "Title IX" related "mandatory training" about drinking and sexual habits, it really shouldn't razzle any one's dazzles enough to kick a fuss, and yet it does.
 
Clemson University, with an unusual amount of government compliance gusto, decided to take an interesting approach to the federal government's enforcement of the "Campus SaVE" act recently signed into law in 2013. Basically, it's the government's attempts to withhold (or threaten to withhold) federal funding unless the institutions that receive the funding can provide proof that they're compliant with specific goals to deter sexual violence (date rape, regular rape, unwanted touching, stalking, poking, etc) by reporting information about instances of such crimes and statistics about the same.**** 
 
The students, upon receiving word they'd have to go through "title IX training," were directed to take a quiz with particularly probing questions about their "outside of class" behavior. The questions themselves were not un-answerable, as such, they were merely inappropriate. And yet that's still not the right way to describe the situation: the college wants knowledge about how the students behave when off-campus most likely with the intention of producing a better "safety program" to prevent more sexual violence happening on-campus. There are few that could argue against the righteousness of the cause, however it is the execution that gives offense. The problem with the quiz is that it isn't anonymous enough. Students that have a problem divulging all of their innermost perversions in a quiz administered by a third party vendor at the request of the college wouldn't think twice about sharing the same information in the right context, which in this instance would contain more anonymity.
 
What started as a well-intentioned effort to bring in more federal funding and increase the safety of the campus against perverts and rapists ended up as a pretty intimate invasion of the personal lives of the people the whole ordeal was trying to protect in the first place. None of this matters, at the end of the day, after all it's just academia and they don't have anything better to do with their time. However, if this playful bantering teaches anything, it ought to be that there is a proper time and venue for asking illicit information about sexual behaviors. That time is any time of the day or night and that place is the internet. Coat your perversions with a liberal dose of anonymity and use a picture with your post and you can get more information about personal perversions than you can shake a dick at.*****
 
*pedagoguery
n. A school or school-house.
n. The system of pedagogy; the office of a pedagogue.
n. A petty instructiveness; a dogmatic and narrow-minded method of dealing with things. -- (just in case)
**Men/Boys are synonymous terms when women aren't around because everything quickly devolves to tom-foolery and lively games of grab-ass.
***Everyone knows that if you pull out (coitus interruptus) then you can't get STDs or babies. Also, you can practice your aim.
****There were alcohol/drinking/recreational drug use questions as well and what alcohol or drug consumption habits have to do with this, I have no idea because alcohol is known to have no effect on behaviors, especially when it comes to questionable sexual decisions.
*****4chan.org is one such example.

Thursday, September 11, 2014

tampon fights under a doomsday sunset

"Basically, at the very bottom of life, which seduces us all, there is only absurdity, and more absurdity. And maybe that's what gives us our joy for living, because the only thing that can defeat absurdity is lucidity." ~ Albert Camus

There's a cool new game all the hip kids are playing called Tampon Run. It's an interesting side-scroller flash game developed by two young ladies, "Andy and Sophie" that are straight outta high school in New York City. The game was developed as part of the "Girls Who Code" program which gets young women interested in the computer sciences so that they can hopefully grow up and get real paid.*

Tampon Run centers around a female hero (simply minding her own business) trying to walk her 8-bit ass down the sidewalk when suddenly she's accosted by men wearing pink hats that like to moonwalk. The only defense our intrepid heroine has in her repertoire is the ability to jump over her attackers or to fire tampons at them.** Pressing the up arrow on your keyboard will allow your character to jump and the space bar fires off a round of tampon at the ne'erdowells with the pink hats and alien legs. You die when your tampon supply reaches zero, obviously, and in this way the game accurately reflects real life.

There's a bigger metaphor here as well since this little flash game mirrors the problems women face in society at large with the unending supply of baddies that ceaselessly attack our heroine. She was just trying to use the public sidewalk, even though it seems like a questionable decision to go out at night (when the sky is red) and the sidewalks are crawling with identically clad aggresive looking men. However, that is exactly the point. Why should women have to carry extra tampons around with them when they just wanted to go for a walk under the apocalyptic sky? Women have just as much right to sidewalk use (even during a doomsday sunset) without being constantly subjected to the men of the world (8-bit or not) hassling them. They shouldn't need to buy tampons in bulk, men ought to respect them enough as human beings to not objectify them and force them to defend themselves with feminine products.

*As opposed to a liberal arts degree where there is no "getting real paid" going on whatsoever.
**Unsure if there are extra feminine products that can be unlocked at higher levels as this game is totally innapropriate to play at work so I had to Start Button+D a few times when prying eyes demanded to know what I was grinning about so hard.

Monday, September 8, 2014

choking d**** and murdering tricks

"Murder’s out of tune,
And sweet revenge grows harsh."
~ William Shakespeare (Othello)

Jack the Ripper was identified. After 126 years, the victims' families can finally get the closure they deserve. Or rather, the countless authors that have written on the subject of this mystery "ripper" can finally publish that epilogue chapter they've been dying to get to since that first edition.

This is great news for amateur detectives and armchair investigators but to the average fellow it means very little. To the serially criminal fellow though, it means that any schmuck with some money and a bit of ingenuity can join in on the hunt for your "red october"*. However, the authorities would most likely limit the available caseload that can be worked by any old asshole to those "unsolved mysteries" or "cold cases" that gather dust in evidence rooms across the world. Basically, if a crime was just committed then it's the police that will be doing the policing instead of "Arnold the Auctioner"** who won an auction for some murder memorabilia who then called his friend "Donald the Doctor"*** to do some "science".

DNA evidence in the 126 year old murder case of Jack the Ripper has brought about a resolution to the caper though there will probably be no convictions on the matter as dear "Jack" was actually an insane hairdresser and likely mentally unfit to stand trial even if he were still alive. Aaron Kosminski, also known as "Jack the Ripper", was a Polish immigrant that butchered some prostitutes in London in the late 19th century. Also, he was a chronic masturbator.**** This is where a joke about polish people could go but there's nothing to joke about here because it seems like dear "Jack" was really just in it to win it: choking dicks and murdering tricks. Kosminski is one of the greatest serial killers to ever pick up a blade. He lived a long life (for the time) and died of gangrene in a lunatic asylum after butchering whores and scaring the shit out of everyone that lived in one of the world's largest cities (at the time). If there were ever a poster child/boy/man for "successful serial killers", Aaron Kosminski is assuredly that man-child.

So, what does this all mean to the aspiring serial killer today? If a 126 year old "cold case" can come up gangbusters because of some old semen, what about more recent murders? What about more recent murders involving semen? DNA is the greatest enemy in the serial killer's extensive list of enemies (nosy neighbors, smart police, savvy detectives, witnesses, etc) and here is further proof of the power this particular foe wields against the would-be murderer. However, hopeful serial killers need not fret overly so because there is still a string of unsolved serial killings and uncaught murderer idols out there to offer hope to the weary. Next time you find yourself hesitating with blade in hand, think of the killers out there still "at large" or "free to kill again" like the "Zodiac killer" or the "Mad Butcher of Kingsbury Run" or even the "Frankford Slasher" and just go ahead and sink that blade in deep so you can finally find that sweet release.

*"October" is the name of your blade and "red" means it's covered in blood, in this particular metaphor.
**Russell Edwards, "businessman", 48 years old
***Doctor Jari Louhelanain, "doctor", unknown age
****"Kosminski has always been one of the three most credible suspects. He is often described as having been a hairdresser in Whitechapel, the occupation written on his admission papers to the workhouse in 1890. What is certain is he was seriously mentally ill, probably a paranoid schizophrenic who suffered auditory hallucinations and described as a misogynist prone to ‘self-abuse’ – a euphemism for masturbation." - serially killing that dick

Wednesday, September 3, 2014

the raven sings when the mists come

"Yesterday is but today's memory, and tomorrow is today's dream." 
~Khalil Gibran

Certain memories leave scars while others can heal the weary soul. Memory is fleeting and colored more often than true. Some memories are even colorfully fleeting as they slip away like snowflakes between fingertips. There are also memories that defy and deny. They're the misty memories and far more insidious because they refuse to be held for even an instant.

Friday nights often give birth to these fiendish deviants but, they always begin their sinful ceremonies with alcohol. Then the mists begin to set in as the evening rolls on and finally, the captain must simply trust in his instruments to guide him home. He knows his ship and he knows the route. He's made it half a hundred times in worse conditions before, or so he tells himself on each subsequent foggy voyage home.

Ancient sea explorers took birds on long voyages to help find land in uncharted waters. Once released, the birds would either return or not. If they returned, the sailors must continue their voyage as land was not near.

The captain on this voyage may know these waters well but that's not to say he always finds a safe harbor so he releases the only creature able to find its way through these mists of sinfulness. The raven, black as night, soars on the winds and peers through the haze of lascivious debauchery. The raven's deathly wisdom gives it the ability to see through the fogs and caw out truth.

"Asshole!" quoth the raven, "Drunken asshole!" quoth the raven, forevermore.

Tuesday, September 2, 2014

my second favorite tinkerbell

My second favorite pixie in the whole wide world is obviously La Roux. I believe all women are beautiful and that if you can't find the beauty in a woman, you're not a real man. Admittedly, the search can take a while for some, but I assure you there is beauty there somewhere. That being said, particular "types" of women (or womyn, you're all beautiful, remember?) really "get my toes tapping" or "engorge my member", as they say in polite society. Pale, ethnically ambiguous (fish and chips English), fairy-like waifs such as this beautiful young lady are among such a group, I admit. However, she has a new album out this year and here is a song that your ears will thank you for listening to:



Can't say if Sexotheque is a cool metaphor or an actual place. Ideally, both?

when's the last time you were upper decked?