true challengers are few and far between

"The true measure of a man is not how he behaves in moments of comfort and convenience but how he stands at times of controversy and challenges."

~ Martin Luther King Jr.

The intrepid internet denizen* would be shocked to see the google image search results for "ice bucket challenge" because of the amazing lack of NSFW (sexy) images. There are hundreds (possibly thousands)** of young women out there that are into charity and know exactly what happens when they dump a bucket of ice water on their heads when they're wearing nothing but a white T-shirt and some lacy undergarments. Turning "safe-search" off does nothing to entice or tantalize because all that option offers is a wider variety of shirtless dudes making awful faces.

Regardless of whether or not awful-faced shirtless gentlemen are "sexy", it's still a far cry from the anticipated results of young women scantily clad in white and lace frolicking around a field full of sunflowers and rainbows. They're all dripping wet and shivering from the torrent of ice and water they recently dumped on themselves so the creepy guy leering at them on the internet can get his high jollies instead of low follies. It may be time to call in the real internet peoples and see what shakes loose on this (in spirit, if not in fact) violation of Rule 34 of the internet. "There is porn of it. No exceptions." Though alternatively, the real spirit of the rule is that "if it exists, porn can be MADE of it" and in fact, this is exactly what causes such outrage over the abysmal selection of "safe-search off" google image material for this terribly unsatisfying viral trend.***

This disturbing lack of "sexy pics" to ogle over during the work day isn't even the biggest tragedy of this so called "challenge". It's not really much of a challenge, though there's certainly some jokes to be made about how challenging regular water is to one of the creators of this vile gimmick. SPOILER: He drowned. Real challenges exist out there online, at least they used to:

FORTY CHALLENGE: Forty ounces of malt liquor chugged in under a minute. The real challenge connoisseur will hold to tradition and demand the challenge take place in front of an audience with a suitable type of malted liquor such as Olde English. The carbonation and volume of the beverage combine with the shape of the bottle to create a perfect storm of "chug challenge" that makes this feat nearly impossible for any type of "lesser man".

BROS ICING BROS: Basically like an adult version of an easter egg hunt where the "juicy goodness" inside the "easter egg" is actually (oddly enough) the malted deliciousness of none other than Smirnoff Ice.**** The challenge here is to consume the entire bottle of Ice no matter where you are when it's properly presented to you which is basically "as a surprise." The challenge connoisseur here will likely enjoy sneaky hiding spots and clever presentations especially if they're at inappropriate times like a meeting at work. However, bros all know that when you play the game of Bros Icing Bros, you win or you die.*****

EDWARD FORTYHANDS: Similar to the FORTY CHALLENGE but without the time constraints or the recommended audience (though audiences are always welcome for challenges and often encourage the challenger to make their very best effort). The biggest difference is that this challenge contains two forty ounce bottles of malt liqour (such as Olde English) duct taped to the hands. The challenge here is not the volume of alcohol (a mere 80 ounces) but the open-ended time constraint. Is it better to try and chug it all down quickly so the duct tape can be removed and the restroom can be used without assistance again or to savor the flavors and gentle hoppy goodness of the delicious gift from heaven that is Olde English? Either way, everyone is a winner here. This challenge can be done on your own time and in the privacy and comfort of your own home, should you be into the whole "practice makes perfect" attitude of accepting challenges.

The so-called "ice bucket challenge" is misleading on multiple fronts. Not only does it clearly not fit the mold of what constitutes a "challenge" but the audience doesn't even get a show. If there were say, a dozen Smirnoff Ices in the bucket of ice that the challenger had to consume immediately prior to dumping the empty bucket on their head, that would constitute a "challenge". Alternatively, if the challenger would do everyone a solid and be a cute girl that likes to take her top off, this "ice bucket" pretender might constitute a "challenge". As it stands, the "ice bucket challenge" is an effrontery to sensible, practical and real "challengers" willing to take on anything.****** It's about as challenging as dealing with having your gas shut off because you "forgot" to pay the bill. Cold water won't kill anyone and it's called Lou Gehrig's disease, anyhow. Wikipedia even says so.

*Or "netizen" as they're sometimes called. "Lurker" or "troll" seems like a better choice to me, though

**I'm not good at (nor do I care about) "accurate maths"

***Many a day at work without a decent internet connection on a gentleman's phone could conceivably result in countless hours spent looking for celebrity side boob pictures and other general "tit"illating images that can be found when the safe search is OFF

****Long time readers will be aware of the author's love of malted beverages, especially malted wine coolers (smirnoff ice) because they "get the ladies drunk too" and he "doesn't have to be drunk by himself anymore"

*****Obligatory game of thrones reference.

******Maintaining an erection while battling with the mental image of a postal worker's calves? Now THAT'S a REAL challenge