Kevin and his friends decided they were going to throw a party at Ryan's place because his parents had gone to Las Vegas for the 4th of July weekend. That year, the 3rd of July was going to be the night to remember. Everyone had functions and fireworks to attend the following day so all of the fixins' were prepared and ready for consumption on the 3rd of July. Nick's older brother had bought the group 2 cases of malted liquor, a twelve pack of Smirnoff ice ("for the ladies" Reggie would say) and an assortment of flavored Bacardi rum bottles. These boys didn't make the most masculine of drink choices but they did know how to get drunk. In addition to the liquids, Reggie intended on taking a "big bag of weed" and his "two most favoritest pipes".
Reggie was very proud of his pipes and bongs and assorted "paraphernalia". His two favorites were "America, The Pipe" so named for its patriotic coloring and "Aunt Jemima", a three foot water bong complete with ice catcher and a "bubbler" in the stem. She was as brown and curvy as her syrupy namesake and Reggie's adoration for her sometimes made the uninitiated a little nervous. Kevin found Reggie with Aunt Jemima when he got to Ryan's house that afternoon.
Kevin- Starting early, Reg?
Reggie- Shut the fuck up dude, you used to be cool. Eat dicks.
Kevin- Thanks bro, love you!
Reggie- Love you too
Kevin tossed a couple bags of chips on the table and went to find Ryan.
Kevin- Hey man, what I still owe you for this party?Ryan- Your first born male. What the fuck? Dude, you know what? Go get us a porno.Kevin- Me? Why me?Ryan- Because you're 18 and as far as I know don't owe any late fees at the Family Dollar rental place. And OH! Hey, I think that girl Theresa started working there, tell her to come to the party.Kevin- I don't know if I want to invite her around you animals.Ryan- Whoa, you better cool it there, Red Wings.
Kevin- You're a dick and I'm renting weird porn now.
Ryan- Good, the freakier, the better
While Ryan and Kevin were conversing, Nick had arrived and was seated next to Kevin on the porch passing Aunt Jemima back and forth, taking hits, and blowing the smoke in each others faces.
Kevin- If either of you two homos want to stop staring longingly into each others eyes to come with me, I'm going to pick up some freak nasty porn for this get together tonight.
Nick- I'm cool, I've got all the freak nasty I need right here.
Nick took a long toke and he and Kevin both looked at the clearly stoned Reggie, waiting for him to respond. They waited a few seconds more before Kevin finally spoke.
Kevin- Yo. Reggie.
Reggie- What's up man?
Kevin- Uhhh... *sigh* Do you want to go for a car ride?
Reggie- Hell yeah I want to go for a ride in the car! Let me pack this shit up and I'll be right out.
Kevin- Ok, I'll be waiting.
Ten minutes later, Reggie finally gets in the passenger seat of Kevin's car.
Kevin- What took you so long?
Reggie- What do you mean?
Kevin- You said you'd be right out, that was ten minutes ago. What were you doing?
Reggie- Packing this shit up, son!
Reggie pulled out America, The Pipe and a lighter while Kevin began to pull down the driveway.
Reggie- Punch it, chewie!
Kevin- God, you're such an asshole. You know I don't like to smoke while I'm driving. *cough*cough*
Reggie- I know you're a pussy, if that's what you mean. Also, we need to stop at a gas station or somewhere for some supplies.
Kevin- What supplies? We've got everything we need back at Ryan's place, we're just picking up some porn.
Reggie- Hell yeah we are! Does Ryan have sunflower seeds?
Kevin- ... I don't know?
Reggie- What flavor?
Kevin- ... What? I don't know if he has any sunflower seeds, I just said that.
Reggie- I rest my case, we need supplies. Hit this again.
Kevin realized it was pointless to argue with his friend's "sound, logical reasoning" so he decided it'd be easier to just go along with it.
They turned into one of those gas station/convenience store mega marts that were popping up everywhere and almost before they parked, Reggie hopped out of the car and immediately went straight for the snack aisle. Kevin followed behind and went to grab a milkshake. After some careful internal deliberation, he decided he'd get the cookies and cream and then grabbed a candy bar while waiting to pay. About 15 minutes later, back in the car, Reggie joined him with 3 different kinds of chips, 4 different types of beef jerky and a can of red bull.
Kevin- Where's the sunflower seeds?
Reggie- Sonovabitch!!! ... I'll be right back.
Kevin- Not this time, Reggie. I'd like to get back to Ryan's before the party actually starts.
Reggie- You dirty rotten twat waffle, we NEED those seeds!
As they pulled out of the parking lot, Reggie slumped his shoulders as he nursed the red bull and slim jim.
Reggie- You're a douche muffin.
Kevin- You'll get over it.
Reggie- Labia pancake.
Kevin- What the fuck dude?!
Reggie- Penis fajita.
Kevin- ... What does that even mean?
Reggie- Fine, I'm done. ... Cunt nugget, turd loaf.
They were largely quiet for the remainder of the trip to the video store. Reggie was basically sitting and pouting wearing an orange hunter's cap he found in the back seat while idly chewing beef jerky the entire time, but as they turned into the parking spot, his eyes grew wide and a grin spread across his face.
Reggie- That hottie junior girl you've been stalking is working the register! It's. Fucking. On. Now.
Reggie hopped from the car and slammed the door before Kevin could blurt out his warning to "be cool". He tried anyways, but while Reggie had the front door to the store open, Theresa turned and noticed the pair. It was hard not to notice Reggie with the hunter's hat and glazed look on his face as he pounced through the door with a shit eating grin.
Kevin- Be cool!!
Inside, Theresa leaned back against the counter and eyed Reggie cautiously. He wasn't exactly the "ideal looking customer" for any place of business and Theresa recognized him from school. Though not ideal looking, he did make for a good video store customer as he made a bee-line straight for the video games. Kevin wasn't too concerned because in his current state, he'd probably be occupied for a while.
Kevin- Hey Theresa, how's it going?
Theresa- Same as everyday here, boring. Is Reggie ok?
Kevin- He'll be fine. Are you going to see any fireworks this weekend?
Theresa- I actually haven't made any solid plans yet. A couple options but I haven't decided. What about you?
Kevin- Little of this, little of that. No plans for tomorrow yet either, we should get together maybe.
Theresa- Haha, maybe. Hey, what is your friend doing?
By this point, Reggie had lost his interest in the video games and had managed to sneak over to stand directly behind Kevin in order to eavesdrop on the conversation. He thought it looked nonchalant because he was browsing the candy shelves near the front of the store. When he noticed he'd been noticed, Reggie spoke up.
Reggie- We need popcorn.
Kevin- That's not a bad idea, what kind?
Reggie- Orville fucking Redenbacher, I don't know. Keep mackin' it bro, I'll go grab the porn and we can get back to the party.
Reggie heads to the "adult section" near the back of the store.
Theresa- So... you and Reggie hang out a lot?
Kevin- Yeah, we've been friends for ... basically as long as I can remember, he can kind of ... "upset the locals" sometimes, if you know what I mean.
Theresa- Hahaha, yeah, I do. My friends call him "Andrew W.K." because we didn't know his first name for the longest time and he's a "weird kid".
Kevin- That's uh, actually pretty accurate.
Theresa- We knew his name was like "Ronald" or "Drew" or something dumb like that and plus, he is weird as hell.
Kevin- Not many weirder, but we like him.
Theresa- So anyways, you guys were at a party this afternoon?
Kevin- Uhhhm ... yes, kind of.
Theresa- Well, I can tell Andrew W.K. over there was smoking pot, everyone knows he's a stoner, but it's not a big deal, it's not like I'm going to go call the cops or anything haha.
Kevin- Ok, that's good. My folks would kill me if I got in trouble again. Do you uh... party? Do you like to party? You can probably come over later. There will be drinks and such.
Theresa- Yeah, sure. I'm done in about an hour here. I'll call a couple friends and maybe we'll come by ...
Kevin- Oh, it's at Ryan's place. Over by the middle school, go past the library and if you can see Subway, you've gone too far. Purple/reddish door, brick house, and my ride will be parked in front.
Kevin motioned outside to the beat up sedan in the parking lot. It was two-tone green with a bit of rust over the rear driver's side wheel well.
Theresa- That thing? Classy. Hahaha, oh yeah, we'll be able to find it, haha.
Reggie had finally made it back to the front counter.
Theresa- So... "Big Booty Bitches #43", "Phat Ass Hoodrats #4", and 3 packets of buttered popcorn.
Reggie- Yup, and uh, Kev, you got this? I spent my last ducats on slim jims at the gas station.
Kevin- *sigh* Fine, here Theresa, I need to use my card.
Reggie- Nice! And oh, Theresa is your name? We're having some Smirnoff ice at this party later, bring your game face!
Reggie walked out with popcorn(s) in hand, leaving Kevin to bring the DVDs.
Kevin- So I'll maybe see you tonight? I would say ... [looking at the times on the DVD boxes] come over in about 3 hours and 27 minutes, give or take.
Theresa- Aww, that's gross AND considerate. Hahaha, maybe I'll see you then!
As he got back in the car, Kevin thought about how much worse that could have gone.
Reggie- Dude, quit scratching your vajaynaynay and smoke this.
Kevin- You read my mind, partner.
Kevin was eyeing the window of the video store as they pulled away.
*****
Kevin and Reggie pulled into Ryan's driveway while Nick was standing on the porch watching them suspiciously as Aunt Jemima sat nearby. They got out and Reggie began shouting at Nick.
Reggie- Dude, you're stoned!!!
Nick- Yes!
Reggie- I'm going to put on some porno and get it weird up in this bitch.
Reggie grabbed what he needed and marched inside with DVDs under one arm and water bong under the other. Kevin is following behind but lacked the same look of determination Reggie had.
Reggie- Ryan! Nick's stoned, I'm going to go in the living room and watch these vids. Got any lube?
Ryan- What the fuck? You're not jerking off in my house dude!!
Reggie- Say I won't beat off in your house again. Say it one more motherfucking time, I dare you.
Kevin- You won't, you won't do it!! Hahahaha
Ryan- Shut the fuck up period-stain. Reggie, do NOT jerk off in this house!
Reggie- [shouting from the living room] Too late, asshole!
Kevin and Ryan sat down at the table and surveyed their party spread. There were all the essentials: snacks, booze, smoke (somewhere) and now the reassuring sounds of dramatized sex noises playing in the background to give the party just the right ambience.
Ryan- So, while you were gone I made some drank.
Kevin- Ooooh, fancy, what kind of drank?
Ryan- I don't know, haven't thought of a name yet. It's fruity. Some kool-aid, rum, I put in a jar of maraschino cherries and their juices, found a can of Pabst Blue Ribbon in the basement. There's some ice... I dunno, "Bucket O Delicious" Do you really care?
Kevin- PBR, for the taste! No, I don't care especially, just curious.
Ryan- Curious, my ass, you old so and so! You got Theresa to come to the party tonight, didn't you? I'm calling Kristen, she can bring some of her skank friends and maybe this time we won't have a sausage fest again.
Kevin- To be honest, I like the sausage parties. I'm cool with them. High five, bro.
Ryan- I am not high fiving for a house full of wieners. Ain't happening, dude.
Kevin- It's not a high five for wieners, it's for dudes. Dude-liness. Dude-ism. Don't leave me hanging, chode inspector.
Ryan- All right, but I am not high fiving for chode inspectors or your strange fascination with male genitalia, this is for being righteous dudes.
Nick walked in and sat at the head of the table and began snacking on whatever was in arm's reach. When he saw the bucket full of "rainbow delicious", he grabbed a cup and dunked himself a full glass.
Nick- This is delicious! You toss some PBR in there for flavor?
Ryan- Of course, had to scrounge it from the back of the basement fridge.
Nick- Nice! What do you call it?
Ryan- Haven't really thought of a name, maybe "Date Rape Ryan's Date Rape Extravaganza"?
Nick- I like it. Kev, hit this shit, it's delicious. By the way, when are people supposed to get here?
Ryan- Ask Kevin, I'm going to go call Kristen and some others now. I know Pete's group is due in soon and Luke said he may be over with his brother, didn't say when. Can't remember if he said brother or neighbors. I don't know, he sounded like shit at noon when I talked to him.
Kevin- I asked Theresa from school, she said her and a couple friends may swing by but I told her to hold off for a couple hours because god knows what Reggie will be up to until those movies are over.
Nick- He's still got weed, right?
Kevin- Yah but watch out because he was looking for lube earlier and he's been in there by himself with Aunt Jemima for about a half hour now.
Nick stood up and walked over towards the room where Reggie was "relaxing".
Nick- Put your dick away jackass, and pack that bowl.
Ryan was meanwhile outside on the phone.
Ryan- Hello? ... I'm well, thanks for asking, you? ... No ... NO! Look, ... Yes ... Yes, but, just wait a second ... Well, I'm sorry for that but I was pretty drunk ... So were you! You're a bitch! ... Bitch ... Bitch! ... Listen, I just wanted to know if you or your skank friends wanted to come over my place tonight for a party. Tell Lisa that Nick is here ... I hate you, too ... See you then, love.
Kevin walked out and caught most of the conversation from Ryan's side.
Kevin- Nothing about either of you can be healthy, you know that right?
Ryan- My old man tells me I'm gonna end up marrying her. I don't know man, I love her but I also hate her. Whatever dude, at least I'm not pining over the video store clerk.
Kevin- Ouch. Low blow.
Ryan- Yeah, my bad, haha. Kristen is a lunatic, you're my friend. She's just so damn feisty, god damn.
Kevin- Haha, maybe you will end up marrying her.
Ryan- Oh for fucks sake. Shut up and go drink, I'll go find some poker cards.
*****
Nick had finally rejoined Kevin and Ryan at the table and the three were playing cards as the party started to get rolling and more people showed up. Seated, playing cards, were: Nick, Kevin, Ryan, Luke, and finally Pete filling out most of the seats at the table.
Ryan- Last card, COCKSUCKERS!
Kevin- You act like we ought to be surprised you're winning a game called "Asshole".
Ryan- Whatever, winners fuck prom queens ... or whatever.
Nick- I'd fuck your sister.
Ryan- Quit staring at her picture you creep, she's 15. Fuck!
Nick- You can't police my spank bank, get off me bro, I'll wank to whatever I want.
Pete- You really are kinda sick, you know that, right Nick?
Kevin- Haha, Lindsay is starting to get kind of hot. Isn't she dating that freshman volleyball nerd?
Luke- Yeah, he's such an asswipe too. That cock wrinkle kisses the coach's ass so bad I swear his little 15 year old pedo-mexi-stache is at least half ass hair.
Ryan- Nerd or not, pretty sure the little shit is fooling around with my sister. I think I almost caught them the other day in the basement. She's a little slut already.
Pete- Haha, Nick wouldn't care if she were little, big, crippled or retarded.
Nick- Whoa, I don't fuck retarded chicks, bro.
Kevin- And why not?
Nick- I don't have anything specifically against it, I mean, slow chicks need love too, right? When we were sophomores, I got caught with that one girl, Stephanie, you know that one?
Pete- I had gym with her. She's got some kind of syndrome. I didn't think she was full retard though.
Nick- She's not. Some disorder or something. I'm not sure and I don't know if I ever listened when she said it, to be honest. Anyways, that new biology teacher on the first floor, well our sophomore year was her first year teaching I guess and she had something to prove or whatever because I was making out with Stephanie behind the stairs in the first floor stair well and Ms. Benson the Responsible caught us and I had to go have a talk with the guidance counselor about the finer points of not taking advantage of young ladies or some such bullshit.
Ryan- Exactly why I think a degenerate like you should stay away from that sweet little tramp sister of mine.
Kevin- Hey guys, I see a car outside, I'm gonna go check it out.
Ryan- Bitch out now, go ahead, you're "the Asshole" when you get back. I'm sure Theresa already knew you were an asshole though!
Pete- Sick burn!
Kevin- Shut the fuck up Pete, I will give your mom the brain, you the shaft, and your dad the grundel. Three times the juices for three times the delicious.
Ryan- Oh, now that was a sick burn. Go escort the ladies inside, Kev, be a gentleman!
*****
to be continued.
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