elevating ourselves

The strange device picture above is called an "elevator". These alien machines have been around for quite some time, first introduced by the Alpha-Draconians from the planet Gliese 581g around the time of the Han Dynasty in China. These "lifts" as they used to be called were quickly put into widespread use and became quite popular among those lazy Chinese. Later these strange machines would be adopted by the rest of the world but the first instance of their widespread use in a culture was among the Chinese, because they're devious and lazy. The basic theory behind the device is that an object (people, supplies, bags of dildos, etc...) can be placed inside and then transported vertically (or horizontally though that technology is limited to the Wonka chocolate factory, if you'd like to learn more about that you should check out the chocolatier's documentary "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory")  to another level of the building in which they are housed. They are not just limited to buildings, either. When Sir Billy Zane and his squire Leo "the hater" DiCaprio made their famous assault on the Titanic, they actually rode in an elevator before taking the helm and promptly wrecking the ship into an ice-berg before they could "plunder that booty."

Even though these mystical devices have been around for eons, I feel as if they're new to some people. Every day at work, I ride an elevator. I work on the second floor, but it's early when I arrive and I'm kind of lazy myself (much like the Chinese). I'd expect riding an elevator to be a miraculous occurrence for some folks in sub-Saharan Africa, but to the average "Pitts-Burger" it ought to be a normal thing, right?


No. No, it's not normal. Every day I encounter an individual that distrusts the elevator "call" button. It will be lit and yet whenever someone enters the lobby they distrust the individual standing in front of the doors with a clearly illuminated call button in front of them. Invariably I watch someone walk up to the area I am standing, look at me, look at the doors, glance at the call button (which has never been burnt out since I've noticed this urban phenomenon) and proceed to push the button as if they didn't think I was able to work the complicated button on my own. I give them a "What the fuck is wrong with you?" look and shake my head in disgust.

One fun trick to play on these types of bothersome "office idiots" is to enter the elevator and wait for the doors to close. Once closed turn and face the assembled crowd, push the button for every floor and say "Now that I have your attention, I'd like to call this meeting to order." It's good for a laugh or two, every time. If they don't appreciate your particular brand of elevator humor, you can always remind them that the "meeting will be over when I say it's over else no one gets out alive." At this point it helps to be brandishing some sort of weapon, the larger the better because you want to intimidate your fellow passengers into staying for the meeting instead of attempting to fight you for their survival. This is "fun in an elevator" not "thunderdome", keep in mind.

Since a very early age I've been able to operate a "lift" quite easily. It's a very user friendly device, you just push the button and once it lights up, wait for the doors to open. Once the doors open, enter the magical box. Be sure there is a magical box to enter when the doors open though, I made that mistake one time and almost fell to my death! No, that's not true, that's never happened to anyone except in the movies. Once inside the "elevator", I simply push the button corresponding to the floor I'd like to travel to and it whisks me away to my destination. Super simple stuff, however, in a society full of vacuous neanderthals it's not so simple. I've been able to find a really handy "user guide" for elevators: ElevatorRules.com

Here are some excerpts:

Another reason is that you're an idiot. An ape in a human's clothing, someone shaved your ass and dressed you up in a suit and tie.

Here, however, is the type of mentality that I can really get behind:

I've always done that. Well, to be honest, I've never held the door for anyone on an elevator. I consider it in poor taste to run towards an elevator, makes you look like a fool and I try not to make it a habit riding elevators with fools.

Here is another gem of advice for those unable to decipher the "hieroglyphics" that are normally situated above the door. Those strange arrow looking things that seem to randomly light up are actually signals indicating which direction the elevator is going to travel.

Fascinating! I can imagine those old-timey elevators may give some the "confusion" because they would say "Hey, what's that clock doing? I had no idea this magical device could tell time too!!!"

This is one of those few exceptions I'd allow to slide, when there is no clear indicator as to which direction the car will be moving. However, with a bit of that old fashioned "know-how" and using the above image as an example, there's only three floors where there is even an option of going up or down. As long as you have enough situational awareness to determine which floor you are on currently, there's a pretty good chance you can guess which direction the car is headed.

Maybe you have an "office idiot" that can't seem to work the elevator, if so send them a link to ElevatorRules.com - they'll either thank you for pointing out their embarrassing ignorance or run and tell H.R. that you're being an "unconscionable asshole again."

Written By: Javier Nelson