As some of you may know, I'm a drinker. I'm not an alcoholic, at least in the sense that I've never attended any of those meetings. I've been invited to a few, never attended any of them. By 'invited,' I of course mean ordered but that's a tale unto itself. At any rate, I've taken the liberty of putting these reasons in a list, because I know everyone loves lists. Also people love countdowns, so here is a countdown of ten reasons to drink this weekend.
Reason #1oFor me, at least, drinking over Christmas gives me a damn good excuse to bust out my re-discovered drinkin' cap. More of a straw cowboy hat than any kind of typical drinking hat, it gives me special powers nonetheless. Last time I was wearing that hat I called my cousin up and told her how bad she looked and how much everyone hates her. So when she comes over for Christmas we can all reminisce about her pregnancy and how much weight she gained and never lost! This leads me directly to ....
Reason #9Not having all those pesky 'inhibitions' that you normally have at family gatherings. That aunt that always wears that psychedelic hippy dress? She probably needs to learn that those are no longer in style, and what better way to do that than public humiliation? You don't have to just be in front of your family to tell her, shout it out from the rooftops! She won't be wearing that anytime soon. Frank Costanza need never have made up Festivus to air out those grievances if everyone would just get a little sauced over Christmas. Those would just take care of themselves.
Reason #8
Now I know I'm not the only one who has a mother/father/whomever that likes to drink over the holidays. So why don't you whip out everything you learned in college and challenge them to a drinking game? The benefits here are tremendous, your folks get to see that those four years you spent at school weren't entirely for naught, you learned all the rules and how to play at least 5 ... maybe 6 drinking games. And imagine how impressed the rest of the family will be when that gut you've been working on shows its true colors, that of an alcohol absorbing powerhouse. Beer pong on the dining room table with your mom's best glasses is sure to show off your collegiate skills. You're a D1 athlete. Just not in any officially recognized sport. Your old man will be proud.
Reason #7
Since half the family seems to pass out during the post dinner movie/game/whatever, drinking vehemently during dinner will at least give you a reason to pass out right with them. Of course your slumber will be chemically induced, but no one needs to be the wiser.
Reason #6
Got a hot family member you could never think of hitting on? With alcohol, just like Jesus, all things are possible. Get him/her somewhere secluded and go shot for shot until your mom catches you making out with a family member and decides she wants to "never speak of this Christmas again, TONY! I can't believe you did that"... I mean, that's what could happen ... yeah, could.
Reason #5
Bottle of wine: 15$
Second bottle of wine: 15$
Seeing your family's faces as they watch you and your mother each drink a bottle and ruin everyone's fun: Priceless.
Reason #4
It's the freakin' weekend. I mean, why should this one be any different? Jesus was born on Christmas? Big friggin' deal.
Reason #3
Your great Uncle from Kentucky sent you a card. In that card is 25 dollars. 25 dollars is just enough to buy a half gallon of vodka. Or enough to buy a gallon and a half of the 'cost-efficient' stuff on the bottom shelf. Is this a coincidence? I'll be damned if I'm going to look that gift horse in the mouth. Buy that alcohol with the money and then you can spend the Christmas weekend in the jungle, the jungle juice that is.
Reason #2
People like you better when you drink. This is a fact, you are more relaxed and scientists have proven that sexual attraction goes up after a drink or two. Since I'm not advocating that you drink only one or two, imagine how much people will like you if you down a twelve pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon. You'll be the life of the party and your folks'll love it. Actually, maybe that should be switched around to say that "I like people better when I drink." Yeah, that sounds better. But, whichever works best for you.
Reason #1
If you don't drink this weekend all of your friends will think you're a pussy when you throw up New Years Eve. Your tolerance will go down and you'll go home with a hideous wildebeest New Years Eve. You will feel bad about yourself for the whole year because you had sex with a monster. This lowered self-esteem will lead to some even worse grades when you go back to school for spring semester, this will knock down your GPA and you will lose your scholarship. You will be forced to drop out and you will kill yourself. So please, drink this Christmas weekend and save a life, it will be your own.
So drink up friends, and be merry.
