mortal thinking

The other day, perched precariously atop my orange tractor, anxiously awaiting the flip that will send me into crushed and shredded oblivion, I began thinking about death. Not in the average 'Oh, boo-hoo I'm getting older and everyone dies' kind of way, but the much more bad ass, 'Bad ass ways to kick it' kind of way.

Being a big fan of lists and countdowns (I mean, who isn't?) I thought of a few really bad ass ways to die. Not necessarily making my top ten that I'm about to drop like it's hot, flipping over on a tractor is kind of cool, and since it's my list, gets an honorable mention.

#10 Death by Explosion

Nothing spectacular, but generally speaking, when someone dies in a giant explosion ... well, it's normally pretty cool. I mean, explosions are cool and fire is cool. Loud noises are awesome and any type of death including all three of these things has got to be cool itself. Since explosions are so manly, death by explosion is pretty BAD ASS.

#9 Death by Scurvy

You're only lying to yourself if you don't think scurvy is bad ass. We'll play a bit of word association for a second. I say 'scurvy' and you say ... yeah, I thought so, 'pirates.' I looked up 'pirates' in the dictionary just now (read: no, I didn't) and the second definition was two words: 'bad' and 'ass.' You can't argue with facts.

#8 Death by Gun Fight

If you die in a gun fight, you're a bad ass. You've overcome all of the hurdles needed for full bad-ass-i-tude. The first one is that you have a gun. The second is that you use it. Bad asses use guns. Two words: 'dirty' and 'harry.' These same two words could be used to describe the physical appearance of bad ass dudes, or BADs, as I like to call them. The coincidence is shockingly argument proof.

#7 Death by Robot

Everyone who is anyone knows that the only thing more bad ass than some seriously BADs is some seriously bad ass robots, or BARs, as I like to call them. If a BAR kills a BAD, there is an overload of bad and ass. Every guy knows that you can never get enough ass. Case closed. Try and keep up.

#6 Death by Cobra

No, not the kind that live on planes. Cobra of the GI Joe fame. This is serious. Actually, in hindsight this is way too high up on my list. It shouldn't even be in the top 10 of anything. If you're killed by any of the Cobras, you're kind of an asshole. The GI Joes always managed to kick some Cobra ass, and they melted in the sun. At least when I used a magnifying glass to heat them up after the ants were all dead. Man, Cobras sucked. And that one guy never even showed his face. What a little bitch tit.

#5 Death by Decepticon

Ok, now we've got some serious villains here. These are the BARs I was talking about earlier. They get their own spot on the countdown because they're too much, much too much. Are you fucking kidding me? ROBOTS that turn into CARS and shit! That's just wild. That blows my mind. If a Decepticon kills you ... just, I mean, if you could, just say thank you. It's cool that the Autobots are here to help us out and all, but man, robots give me an erection.

#4 Death by Sacrifice

HEY VIRGINS! Listen up and listen up good. Soldiers are willing to give their lives for their country. Sacrificial deaths are just about as bad ass as can be. Going out to protect America from places like Indonesia and Congo... If you die as a sacrifice for something greater than yourself. That's bad ass. Fuck those commies. Virgins make such a big deal out of being sacrificed, but I don't know why. Every time I sacrifice one they always kick and scream, and damn can those bitches bite.

#3 Death by Snakes

Pythons? Anacondas? Fuck that shit. They're so gay. They want to squeeze you to death? I'll tell you who else tried to squeeze me to death. Tyrone, the large black man that liked me so much when I spent that night in jail a couple months ago. All he wanted to do was hug me and stick his tongue out. Anacondas and pythons are the gayest of snakes in the snake world. They're the gayest of animals in the animal world, besides Sasquatch, of course. Poisonous snakes are too bad ass for their own good. They have fucking poison INSIDE of them. The poison doesn't even bother them. But it can KILL people. Really quick too. They bite you with NATURE'S NEEDLES!!! They have hollow teeth like some damned vampires! Come on, you're retarded and blind if you don't know that death by poisonous snakes is fucking bad ass. If I was bit by a poisonous snake, between my spasms and bloody coughs, I would probably want to hug the little guy for letting me go out like such a man.

#2 Death by Sword

The ancients knew this was a noble way of death. If dishonor were to befall you in some societies long ago, you were to kill yourself with your own blade rather than face the shame of ... whatever. Here's the thing: it didn't matter what it was that made you ashamed! Death by sword was just too bad ass, it overcame everything else. It was like the royal flush of ways to die. NOTHING BEAT IT. If your old man went out and fucked 54 sheep and sucked off a pair of horses while his drunk boyfriend taped the whole thing and then inadvertently showed it at the local town fair while getting caught molesting a small child behind the screen this interspecies erotica was being played on, all he had to do was kill himself on his own blade. All was well with the world again. The end all to problems, the sword ruled.

And now, for the number one way to die. The most bad ass of bad ass-ery, you probably saw it coming, and I don't really need an explanation for it. In fact, I won't give an explanation, because it would insult your intelligence and tax my ability to use the english language to convey such bad ass-ery. The number one, bad ass, most motherfucking awesome way to die...






#1 Death by Snakes on a Plane

with or without you.

This isn't something that I normally dig my hands into, but I'd like to make a brief trip into the realm of sex. That's a funny sentence, seriously, go back and read it again.

Sometimes facts change. I remember back when I was a small child, the cars we drove and the engines that gave off harmful greenhouses gases were ... well, harmful. Turns out that was a load of shit. There was a recent study that proved that the earth is staying the same temperature. When I say 'recent study' I mean I just made that up. Facts change, deal with it.

Here's a fact that will never change: big vaginas are always funny.

Supposedly, there are a few key thoughts that can turn an otherwise virile young man limp again. You know what I'm talking about. When a guy wants to 'go the distance' for his lady friend or his guy friend, if he likes, he's supposed to think of goofy, off-the-wall-shit that will keep the racer in his car for the last lap, so to speak. Lady friend or guy friend works, because we all know that a warm hole is a warm hole. The guy is the one that is supposed to keep it going because that's the cool thing to do, or something. This type of thinking is wrong on so many levels. I'll go over a few if you keep it together. Ha, get it?

Grandmas, dudes, ugly girls, baseball... wait. Baseball? I tried this. Baseball doesn't work. I think baseball is sexy. It turns me on. I often get an erection just from thinking about baseball. I love it. Do you know why I love it? Because I'm an American. I went there, Americans love baseball. Some Americans love baseball more than others because, let's face it, some people are more American than others. I tried thinking about baseball in order to keep going recently. It didn't work.

My initial reaction was one of shock, basically because I had no idea I love baseball so much. Also because I thought about how stupid that was. Why was I trying to go the distance? Rather, why was I trying to push the finish line farther away? If that's not the epitome of counterproductivity, I have no idea what is. I should be trying to finish as fast as possible, because hey, fuck them anyways. Aha. Another joke.

Who am I trying to impress? The only woman in my life that I want to impress is my mom. And she's told me plenty of times now that she doesn't want to hear me talk about that kind of thing. It's similar to the way my dog will go out in the yard and kill something. He then brings that dead thing back to the porch, as if to say 'hey man, check this out, I'm real bad ass'. The equivalent for me would be 'hey mom, check out this gutterslut, I'm a horrible human being. what's for dinner?'.

Let's put this in a different perspective. When I'm home alone, or not alone, or when my dog is watching and I'm whaling away on myself like there's no tomorrow, I'm not worried about my hand's pleasure. Fuck that guy anyways (lol) he leaves me all raw sometimes and never says he's sorry. So why is it, when I'm slumming after a night of drinking, that kind of nonsensical bad joke of a bad idea pops into my head?

Of course, this is all just a prelude to what I've really been trying to get at. And that's to remind you that big vaginas are always, and will always be funny.