as for the stars, they're only somewhat aligned

All treats should be like scooby snacks. They're a perfect blend of ambiguous ingredients and exotic flair. Hold on, wait a minute, what is a scooby snack? The beauty of scooby snacks is that they're whatever you make them. Scooby snacks are never clearly defined in scooby doo canon so I feel justified declaring this juicy morsel as a scooby snack for your ears as we drift out here in the expanded universe of the doo.

I write this on a phone so pardon the lack of fancy formatting or pretty paragraphing or however the english majors are styling style these days. Pouring creative fluids into something productive or practical seems a better way to pass the time on your phone than re-re-reading epic fantasy novels and lurking on forums to catch up on the latest theories about what's going to happen to everyone's favorite lord commander of the night's watch in the next book.

Fascinating though it may be, I learned my lesson when it comes to the anticipation of an upcoming event of great importance long ago, and what seems like galaxies away. I was a subscriber to the star wars insider magazine as a youngster all throughout the highly anticipated prequel movies. I grew up watching the empire strikes back on rainy afternoons. Return of the jedi, normally shortly thereafter. My teenaged tumescence was luminescent at the thought of new stories about jedis and stuff.

Then the movies came out and I saw the light fade away along with the engorgement of my member. This was a real fine taste of a series of future disappointments that life would throw my way but I eventually wiped away the tears and put my shirt back on and left the cinema lobby. I survived. I lived. Most importantly, I learned.

Learned though I may have, the lesson never really stuck quite the way it should. I experienced those future disappointments and now I'm here. That's a gross oversimplification of events and yet there it stands.

New chapters of a favorite book can be released on a random basis and you can spend countless hours making inside jokes on who's secretly related to who(m?) or you can get a grip and pop a couple of whatever your favorite scooby snacks may be and go write some words about stuff on the internets.

"Frivolous, speculation is, when patience will reveal all." -Yoda *mic drops*

Holidazed

As some of you may know, I'm a drinker. I'm not an alcoholic, at least in the sense that I've never attended any of those meetings. I've been invited to a few, never attended any of them. By 'invited,' I of course mean ordered but that's a tale unto itself. At any rate, I've taken the liberty of putting these reasons in a list, because I know everyone loves lists. Also people love countdowns, so here is a countdown of ten reasons to drink this weekend.

Reason #1oFor me, at least, drinking over Christmas gives me a damn good excuse to bust out my re-discovered drinkin' cap. More of a straw cowboy hat than any kind of typical drinking hat, it gives me special powers nonetheless. Last time I was wearing that hat I called my cousin up and told her how bad she looked and how much everyone hates her. So when she comes over for Christmas we can all reminisce about her pregnancy and how much weight she gained and never lost! This leads me directly to ....

Reason #9Not having all those pesky 'inhibitions' that you normally have at family gatherings. That aunt that always wears that psychedelic hippy dress? She probably needs to learn that those are no longer in style, and what better way to do that than public humiliation? You don't have to just be in front of your family to tell her, shout it out from the rooftops! She won't be wearing that anytime soon. Frank Costanza need never have made up Festivus to air out those grievances if everyone would just get a little sauced over Christmas. Those would just take care of themselves.

Reason #8
Now I know I'm not the only one who has a mother/father/whomever that likes to drink over the holidays. So why don't you whip out everything you learned in college and challenge them to a drinking game? The benefits here are tremendous, your folks get to see that those four years you spent at school weren't entirely for naught, you learned all the rules and how to play at least 5 ... maybe 6 drinking games. And imagine how impressed the rest of the family will be when that gut you've been working on shows its true colors, that of an alcohol absorbing powerhouse. Beer pong on the dining room table with your mom's best glasses is sure to show off your collegiate skills. You're a D1 athlete. Just not in any officially recognized sport. Your old man will be proud.

Reason #7
Since half the family seems to pass out during the post dinner movie/game/whatever, drinking vehemently during dinner will at least give you a reason to pass out right with them. Of course your slumber will be chemically induced, but no one needs to be the wiser.

Reason #6
Got a hot family member you could never think of hitting on? With alcohol, just like Jesus, all things are possible. Get him/her somewhere secluded and go shot for shot until your mom catches you making out with a family member and decides she wants to "never speak of this Christmas again, TONY! I can't believe you did that"... I mean, that's what could happen ... yeah, could.

Reason #5
Bottle of wine: 15$
Second bottle of wine: 15$
Seeing your family's faces as they watch you and your mother each drink a bottle and ruin everyone's fun: Priceless.

Reason #4
It's the freakin' weekend. I mean, why should this one be any different? Jesus was born on Christmas? Big friggin' deal.


Reason #3
Your great Uncle from Kentucky sent you a card. In that card is 25 dollars. 25 dollars is just enough to buy a half gallon of vodka. Or enough to buy a gallon and a half of the 'cost-efficient' stuff on the bottom shelf. Is this a coincidence? I'll be damned if I'm going to look that gift horse in the mouth. Buy that alcohol with the money and then you can spend the Christmas weekend in the jungle, the jungle juice that is.


Reason #2
People like you better when you drink. This is a fact, you are more relaxed and scientists have proven that sexual attraction goes up after a drink or two. Since I'm not advocating that you drink only one or two, imagine how much people will like you if you down a twelve pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon. You'll be the life of the party and your folks'll love it. Actually, maybe that should be switched around to say that "I like people better when I drink." Yeah, that sounds better. But, whichever works best for you.

Reason #1
If you don't drink this weekend all of your friends will think you're a pussy when you throw up New Years Eve. Your tolerance will go down and you'll go home with a hideous wildebeest New Years Eve. You will feel bad about yourself for the whole year because you had sex with a monster. This lowered self-esteem will lead to some even worse grades when you go back to school for spring semester, this will knock down your GPA and you will lose your scholarship. You will be forced to drop out and you will kill yourself. So please, drink this Christmas weekend and save a life, it will be your own.

So drink up friends, and be merry.

neil diamond cover artist at bella luna

"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without." ~Confucius

Once upon a time there was a man named Diamond. Then there came a man named Cubic Zirconia and he was almost the same. This is a Neil Diamond impersonator (with poor lighting) impersonating over at a little place called the Bella Luna. Beautiful moon, she is.

Jack Johnson's "To The Sea"

"Pictures of people taking pictures of people taking pictures of people taking pictures." ~Jack Johnson

I am live reviewing the Jack Johnson album, To The Sea. First listen, first impressions and all that. Partially to prove this isn’t just going to be a music video section, we’ve got class around here and can totally write words about sounds. I am not certain this is in the same track order as on the album so I’m including the number indicating the order I’m listening and the title of the track. I’m rating each song on the scale of J-Nelsons. If you’re unfamiliar with this scale, consult a scientist, they ought to be able to better inform you of the J-Nelson scale.

1. You and Your Heart – It’s a nice way to start off an album, gets the listener right into the thick of things with the gentle but slightly twangy riffs on the guitar. Johnson’s voice always has that “hey I’ve been loafing at the beach all day” kind of tone and it jibes fairly well with the melody on this song. I’m a fan already of this track. He says that we shouldn’t feel so far from our hearts and I kind of think that’s a nice little line to throw in. In a way, listen to your heart. As I near the end of the song I’m finally able to place what the music sounds like. If you listened to any of the songs off Johnson’s Curious George soundtrack, this tune would fit right in and I think it might have been a leftover. 4/5 J-Nelsons
2. To The Sea – This is the title track and it’s more of an homage to the older Johnson that first turned me into a fan. It’s that chilled out, slow beat, stoner song to play for a happy day at the beach smoking your reefers and jazz cigarettes and throwing the old Frisbee around. It’s generally a hippy dippy diddly type of stoner jam. 3.5/5 J-Nelsons
3. No Good With Faces – He says he’s no good with faces and he’s bad with names. I’m good with faces but terrible with names. I default to giving people nicknames because I can’t remember their names. One thing I have noticed is that if it’s a pretty gal and I want to make the sex with her, I tend to remember all kinds of details, including the name. I think it’s just because I normally don’t care about most stuff and I feel that new people are either generally boring or I want to have sex with them. This song feels like a “Banana Pancakes” kind of tune but it’s got a sadness to the lyrics. I think there comes a time in every man’s life where he becomes aware that he’s aging and time will run out sooner or later. 3/5 J-Nelsons
4. At or With Me – This is an up-beat stoner anthem song. “Are they laughing at or with me?” I always ask that and the answer is always “who cares?” and the tone of the song seems to show off the same mentality. Times are tough and Johnson gives us this bubbly “hey brother, don’t worry about it, it’ll be all right” tune. I can imagine playing this somewhere while slow cruising a neighborhood hollering at some fly honeys. 4.5/5 J-Nelsons
5. When I Look Up – My first impression with the faint female backing vocal and the bells is church music. It’s ok but it seems like a filler/goofy/oddball track. It’s a poem he put music to and you can clearly tell. Most songs are kind of like that but this goes above and beyond, like a jazz night song at the local hipster coffee shop. 1/5 J-Nelsons
6. From the Clouds – This is more of a head-bobber than a toe tapper, solid nonetheless. A little more electrical on the riffs than I like in most of my Jack Johnson songs but the beat keeps me listening. Again, this song feels like a happy-go-lucky track to listen to while wearing a yellow suit and chasing a monkey. It’s a love ballad though, sure and certain, Mr. Johnson has a lot of love to give, or so it would seem from his songs. Listening to this you just know he wrote it with one special lady in mind. He’s such a romantic. 4/5 J-Nelsons
7. My Little Girl – Another love song. A stoner/surfer slow jam to put on when you and your hippy lady are going to go and make the sexy times. I want to light some candles and break out the boxed wine just listening to his smooth voice crooning at me right now. I’m not even embarrassed to say I’m getting a little aroused. This is not a jam to play when your mother is around because this song means business, and by business, I mean the sexy kind. Definitely 5/5 J-Nelsons
8. Turn Your Love – Jack Johnson could get boy band level ass if he wanted to. This is just a slow jam; it’d be perfect around a campfire. Enjoying some warm drinks and toasted marshmallows would be the an excellent accompaniment. I get an image of a fall evening, just starting to get the fire going as the sun sets and dusk rolls through to the darker night sky. Maybe get a friend, lady or gentleman if that’s your thing, and get this whole album and toss it in the stereo for a campfire romance or just a cool, chill, getting stoned kind of evening. 4.5/5 J-Nelsons
9. The Upsetter – Immediately sense a kind of reggae influence, maybe there’s a steel drum in there somewhere and that’s what I’m picking up. After the intro it kind of melts into a more traditional kind of Johnson tune but the underlying “tonk tonk tonk” makes this more of a beach song. A pig roast might be happening somewhere off in the distance and the smell would waft over to the little beach party this song makes me imagine. 2.5/5 J-Nelsons
10. Pictures of People Taking Pictures – Aside from an entirely too meta title, the song itself is a slower repetitive, slightly funky jam. If it had a quicker tempo I might really get into this jam, as is, the lyrics are kind of fun to say and decidedly self-referential but alas, it’s not that great. 2/5 J-Nelsons
11. Anything but the Truth – This song is to be played in all coffee houses in all of the world. It’s a wonderfully metaphorically lyrical little diddy but I can’t imagine this really being played in any situation other than while enjoying a cup of coffee looking out the window on a rainy day. Slow and smooth, enjoy it over a huge mug of tea or black coffee. Put some ice in the coffee though because they normally serve those too hot and anything too hot just wouldn’t sip too well with this jam. Make sure you watch the people as this song plays, it’s a very walking paced song, if that makes sense. 3.5/5 J-Nelsons
12. Only The Ocean – Too electric for the intro. Once the reverb or whatever gets turned down for the first verse, it’s not so bad. It’s another slow song, one of the slowest yet and it sounds like another one of those love songs he’s so well known for. A woman rolls over you and pulls you in, just like the old ocean. She’s not salty like the sea, she’s sweet like sugar cane. She’s a tempting mistress and easy to fall into or in love with, at least this is what I’d imagine he’s trying to say in this song. 4/5 J-Nelsons

In summary, I’d acquire this album if you like to jam out to some sweet stoner love songs and beach music or campfire tunes. It’s a good album for a fall evening and yes, I am missing the Red Wine, Mistakes, Mythology track and it sounds like it might have been the coolest on the album. I was sad about that. Overall, Jack Johnson’s To The Sea gets 3.45/5 J-Nelsons

calm like a bomb

"All of civility depends on being able to contain the rage of individuals." ~Joshua Lederberg

Cover artist doing his best (poorly lit) Rage Against the Machine impression.